Done and DONE

Test is done. 

B is home. 

Life is goooooood. 

Twenty-fifth night

Tomorrow's the big day. I think I care more about the fact that B's home tomorrow than about the test. My priorities might be a little screwy, I admit. 

I tried to wear myself out enough today that I'll sleep soundly tonight, regardless of the multiple sources of jitters. Either way, these last few weeks have taught me that I can function marvelously well on less sleep than I ever thought before. 

Wanting to skip the next 15 hours. Where's a time machine when you want one?

Twenty-fourth night

Today was the final push.  Though I don't know how much of a "push" it was.  I did a full timed test.  Took a long lunch break where I took time to put away all the papers that had gathered in my pile(s).  I then did another test, but without the essays, and just timed each section rather than the whole thing.  I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that nearly all the mistakes I was making were pretty stupid.  Hopefully I'll be able to mitigate that on the actual test.

Tonight I just tried to do little house chores.  Tomorrow: cleaning, cake baking, self-pampering.  And no alarm clock.

And in less than 48 hours, he'll be back.

Twenty-third night

I don't think I've felt this fried since college.

Then again, I probably haven't studied this much since college.  What a (not) nice preview of what two years of grad school will be like!

Questioning everything in... 3...2...1...

Twenty-second night

Didn't get much done at all today in terms of studying.  Since I had a class and a doctor's appointment today, I already knew it was going to be a more challenging day to focus.  So I worked out, went to work, checked out the testing center, got home, ate, doctors appointment, grocery shopping, and then studying, starting at nearly 6pm.  Then I thought that since I hadn't gotten much sleep the last couple of nights, I might try and hit the sack early (DON'T want to get sick!) and just get a really good full productive day in tomorrow.  I do have a meeting at work, though it's only an hour.  And I've made late night dinner plans with a friend.  Then I have all day saturday.  And then hopefully, a day of rest before the exam.  I get nervous just thinking about it.  I really did wish I had a chance to retake this thing.  Then again, I also know that it's too expensive to do that, so I'm glad I don't even have the temptation.  I could do a lot of regretting of all the studying I didn't do, but that won't get me anywhere.  I'm just going to do my best given what I've done.  Eeeeeeek!

Twenty-first night

I'm feeling a bit tepid about it all, and at this point (tonight), I don't care.  I'm going to do how I'm going to do.  And there's probably not a lot I can do about it now.  I'll keep working, because at the very least it might calm my jitters on the day off.  But I'm done aiming for any sort of number.

It occurred to me that in a week, this will all be over.  Actually, it will already be so far behind me I'll already be moving on to the next plan of action.  I don't know whether that's a relief or just overwhelming.

At least he'll be back by then to help me, calm me.

Twentieth night

This afternoon/evening was definitely more productive than this morning.  Although, when I listed all that I had done today, it didn't really look like much in the end.  I did a short practice test - 2 timed math sections and 2 timed verbal sections, and then reviewed all my answers.  I also did 2 essays.  And I went through my math sets from last week, looking for any rules or notes that I made to consolidate them and then made a list of all the questions I got wrong.  I'm hoping to go through those in the new few days and do them again, hopefully with better results this time.  

I also called the testing company because I was trying to figure out how they do the whole score-sending thing.  Turns out, with your fee of $185, you get 4 free reports sent to institutions of your choosing.  But they're only free if you select which schools on the actual day of the test.  Say, you don't know any or only know a couple, then if you want to report them later, it's an additional $25 per school.  Ugh.  I absolutely hate paying into a system that's totally corrupt.  There's no administrative reason, that I can think of, that it would be more money to send results after taking the test.  It's all done online anyway.  So anyway, what that means for me is I'll probably end up shoveling more money over to them in the end because I don't quite have my shit together to know which schools I'm applying to yet.  I mean, I can put in three schools now because those are my guesses.  But because I'm not sure of anything yet, and probably won't be by Monday, I'll probably end up paying if I do apply to a program that I might decide to apply to later on.  But that kind of dilemma is pretty unavoidable for anyone who takes the test, so really, it's just them ripping off a portion of the population that can barely pay for it in the first place.  It just infuriates me.

Tonight's issue essay was a doozie, although, I might have pulled out something OK in the end (I didn't read the solution yet, but I'll do that tomorrow).  The prompt was: "The fact that technology is outpacing the needs of those in cultures that can afford the technology creates cultures of excess consumerism."  I just kind of stared at it for a while.  I wrote something that may or may not have been on topic.  Sometimes these questions - even the objective math ones - seem pretty confusing.  I'm sure it's just me, but it just doesn't seem right for such an exam.

Nineteenth night

In less than a week now, he will be crawling into bed next to me.  Just where he's supposed to be.

Today I did a full length practice test.  I improved a lot on the math from my last practice test - I was up in the 96th percentile!  In verbal, I stayed in the 89th, which is fine by me (although it would be cool to be in the 90th percentile for both).  Of course, that's given that I still do well on the writing, which I have yet to know what my score could potentially be on that.

I didn't get much done after work besides reviewing the test.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I get some more math done, and practice probability, combination, permutation, because that's still where I'm not doing very well.  The good thing about most of the questions I got wrong is that I was on the right track and either stalled or ran out of time.  But I definitely need to keep practicing.

B told me that of course he wants to travel India with me, but has a hard time saying that he "wished I was there" because he thinks it would be unfair to his dad.  Although I disagree that saying that he wished I was there doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't wish he was there with his dad, I still understand what he means and he's a good man for it.  Better than I.

Tomorrow he's on the road and on the train at night.  We won't have the opportunity to Skype tomorrow which makes me sad, but I guess that might help to distract me less.  But I like the distraction.

Eighteenth night

I got my two math sets done today.  I also got 4 essays done.  My second set was definitely better than my first.  I hate doing them though.  I think I'm ok with the "argument" essays.  It's the issue essays that are difficult for me.  I don't know if it would be better to try and read example essays (but I've had a hard time finding them…) rather than just practicing them and reading their "solutions" afterwards.  Tomorrow I only have the kids class in the early afternoon, so I'll have a good part of the day to keep studying.  I think I'll keep going over the math problems, especially in the sections that are most difficult for me like probability and combinations. 

I didn't actually go outside at all today.  I know this probably isn't very good, but I have little desire when the weather isn't very good and I have enough to keep me distracted indoors.  

B and I had a tense evening.  He called to talk and told me about this experience they had with one of the markets and that they suspected that they were ripped off and they wanted to investigate the next day.  Because the connection was bad, and I had a hard time understanding why it truly mattered (because they were leaving and couldn't do anything if indeed they had been ripped off), I inadvertently put him on the defensive.  Even after changing subjects, he was in a bad mood, so I just got off the phone.  Afterwards he apologized for being in such a way.  And then he sent me some pictures that got me really sad because they made me so envious that I wasn't there with him.  Traveling with him has to be one of my favorite things in the wold, and part of the joy of traveling with him is experiencing new things together.  So, even if we were to go back, an element of this would be lost for me.  I also got worried that after hearing some of his stories that he would come home and not really want to go back (an anxiety I've had from the beginning, mostly because a) he likes to always go to new places and b) he tends to be stubborn).  So, I've already had to check these places he's been off of places I might go with him, and sure, India's big, but it's just kind of sad nonetheless.  He doesn't really get that.  His response is "India's a big country."  I don't disagree, but I want to see the Taj Mahal too.  And I wanted to see it with him.  As I've told him before, there were a lot of other places too I probably couldn't care less that he was exploring without me.  But since I always had such a strong desire to go to India, this did penetrate me a bit more, and felt a bit like a loss.  He and his dad have been planned this nearly as long as we've been going out, and I would never want to deny him an experience with his family.  So I constantly found myself conflicted on the issue.  And apparently I still do.  It's completely awful and selfish to say, but I think the best thing for me to hear when he get's back is "I'm sorry.  I wish I had done that trip with you instead."

This especially because I have felt this whole time that he didn't yearn for me to be there with him the same way I yearned to be there.  He always told me that he missed me and thought about me a lot, but to me, this did not equate to "and I wish you were here" (in my anxiety, I even went back and looked at old emails, of which he's very sweet and misses me a lot, thinks about me tons, but never once says that he wished for me to be there).   And I think he would say that I was wrong - that he did say it or that my assumptions were false.  But when I mentioned tonight that I was just so envious and wished so badly I was there, there was a long pause.  After telling him that I sensed I upset him, he said no, and then said that "of course" he wanted me to be there too.  I think this was the first time he said such a thing in the time that he's been gone.  It made me feel better, a little.  But for some reason it didn't ease all my anxiety (probably because it felt provoked).  I will never know to what degree our feelings will concur on anything, including this.  And why this is even so important to me also baffles me.

I think it's that ultimately, I don't care that he went on this trip without me.  But I do want him to care that he did it and to (hopefully) come to the conclusion that it's not experience he'd like to repeat.  

Ugh.  I feel crazy and selfish.  

Seventeenth night

Today wasn't great.  I woke up early to have a cup of coffee with B's mom before she left and never went back to bed.  I worked on my math sets, which I think due to my exhaustion, took me a really long time.  By the time I was finally finished, I talked with a friend for nearly and hour and a half.  After that, I did a short work out, showered and had lunch.  Then I tried to work again, but I just couldn't focus on the Standard Deviation set I was working on.  I switched to a different topic, but only made it halfway through before I met a friend for coffee.  By the time I left, I was in a foul mood.  I was mad that B was still away on on vacation while I'm just working and studying and having no fun.  I was mad that I didn't feel like I was making progress.  I was mad that I still had 8 more compete days, sunrise to sunset, before this was all over.  I was mad that I had to change some plans around, and ask for different days off at work, of which I'm not getting much of because of this stupid exam.  I was just mad mad mad.

I felt a bit better after meeting my friend.  We speak in Spanish together (she's from Spain), and after speaking with her I often feel badly because I feel like I've forgotten so much.  Fortunately today wasn't so much the case, so I left feeling confident and also happy I got out of the house and saw a friend.  I was (re)energized enough that when I got back I was able to finish the math set I had started before I left.

But I still finished the day without accomplishing most of the goals I had set out for the day.  That's a bummer.  I'm way behind on my essays.  Maybe tomorrow I can catch up.  But I'm still not feeling hopeful about much.  Especially as my neighbor turns his music up louder and I can envision a sleepless night ahead of me.

Sixteenth night

TGIF.

When I got home today, B's mom and I sat and talked over a long lunch for nearly 2 hours.  Then I went to talk to B, but the call was dropped after 20 minutes.  I freaked out because then I didn't get any texts or responses to my texts.  I knew that there was a perfectly good reason that he didn't respond that didn't leave him in peril, but my mind still runs wild.  Finally, 5 hours later, I got a text confirming my suspicions: he had just fallen asleep in the few minute interim.

I didn't get my essays done again today, but I did get my math done.

Tomorrow B's mom leaves.  I'm a bit sad about that because it's just so nice to not come home to an empty apartment: to say "hi" to someone waiting for you to come back. She left me a wealth of wonderful food in the freezer.  I'm so grateful that she gave her time this week to help me and to be such amazing company.

And now we're left with less than 10 days now.  But it might as well be 100 for how long it still feels.

Fifteenth night

I didn't get much done in terms of studying today.  My head was/is so tired between working and studying this week.

I finished the math set I nearly had finished yesterday and then did another one.  This one took me a long time, as it was one of my weakest areas.  

It's questions like "If Car A and Car B travel simultaneously from opposite ends of a 400-yard track, how long and Car A is going x feet per second and Car B is going y feet per second, when will they crash? " or "If 12 workers pack 60 boxes in 9 minutes, how many minutes would it take 27 workers to pack 180 boxes?"  

There are some formulas that you can use, but sometimes it's best to draw tables and such, and well, I feel like I'm learning some of this for the first time.  I think I'll have to rehash it over the weekend, depending on how well I do on my other remaining subjects.

I didn't get any essays done either.

I'm feeling a bit blah to say the least.  Actually, I don't even have enough energy to feel blah.

Fourteenth day

I finally wrote my 4 essays in one day.  One of them I totally read wrong and probably would have gotten a failing score on it had it been the real deal.  But then, maybe I argued whatever point I thought I was making so good, it wouldn't have mattered.

I also almost got an extra math section done beyond my daily goal too.

B's mom is here.  She arrived late last night.  It's really nice to have someone in the house, although I do feel a bit guilty she's here just to take care of me.  She's such a nice lady that she would never hold it against you though.  And she's already cooked two wonderful meals.  In fact, lunch was so much bigger than probably what I had been eating in a single day by myself that I was hardly hungry for dinner when she made it later.  But it too was yummy, so I ate it.

Tomorrow I work 8 units and come home.  Hopefully I'll get in 2 more math sections (plus finish the one I nearly did tonight) and another couple essays.  I might even pay to get them scored, or maybe do that over the weekend.  But then, it probably doesn't matter too much at this point, and might not be worth even spending a single dollar extra.

So tired.  So ready for the weekend.  So ready for the 25th.

Thirteenth night

Ok.  I think we've finally passed the halfway point.  After this night at least.

Although I didn't get the 4 essays done (I only got 2 done today), I got 5 math sections done.  I don't know why, but it's really difficult to motivate myself to practice those essays.  Probably because A) they might not be worth as much and B) it's hard to actually see/feel the reward of working for them.  Math I can, because I can get swifter and I'm remembering things better and learning more of my bind spots.  But when I'm writing essays that don't have a right or wrong answer, and it's impossible to know what kind of grade they would get (without paying), it's just really difficult to want to do them.

But I do have another 4 on my game plan tomorrow.  Maybe I'll get into the swing of it and do them all in a row.  That's probably how I have to motivate myself - to just get it done.

So glad I don't have that extra class tomorrow.  That means I'm home before lunch and I have the rest of the day to study.

My hands are starting to hurt from all the writing.  It really brings me back to my school days (and is a preview of what's to come?)  And my butt and back hurt from sitting in that chair all day. I don't know how B. sat and wrote for nearly a year day in and day out.  I can hardly conceive of doing it for 3 weeks, and I'm even working in the mean time.

12 more days.  Just 12 more days and this waiting game is all over.

Twelfth night

Now we're down to less than two weeks.  Before the test.  Before B comes home.  Of course on one account, it couldn't come fast enough.  On the other, I'm not ready (except for it to be over with).

Surprisingly, despite working 9 units today, I got done 2 math problem sets and 2 essays - although I have yet to review my answers for them.

I tried to give away my class on Wednesday, but so far, no eligible takers.  And I told the secretary that for next week I had to limit my hours.

I finally had a problem set where I felt like I knew the principles behind it.  Phew.  But I'm hoping that just by practicing it so much in the time leading up to the test, things are going to come quickly, naturally - like primes, and multiples, and patters and formulas - which will help me save time and get more questions right.  By the time I finish this, I suspect that I will have done over 1,000 different math problems in about 12 days.  If that doesn't help at least a little, I don't know what will.

Eleventh night

I didn't get everything done on my list today. But I got done with I think the things that matter the most - the math sections and preparing for my current job. Hopefully tomorrow I'll still get in a decent amount, despite working 9 units. I'll be able to stay up late because I don't work at all on Tuesday.  And then B's mom comes in very late that night for a 3 day/4 night visit. Yay!  Real food!!

Tenth night

Today was a major break down.

I hated myself for waiting to figure out my deficiencies until it seems like too late.  The new practice sets are taking so long to get through.  And with work and other obligations, there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.  I have barely over 2 weeks.  And I just don't know what to do to do my best.

I felt so much self-hate, I had to deflect it.  So, the next logical person was B.  I hated him for abandoning me in my time of need.  Here, I had been here all throughout his struggles and his test.  And here I am, having a bitch of a time and he's 4,000 miles away.  How dare he?

I shared this all with him, which actually helped because he was totally understanding, and didn't get upset with me for irrationally being upset with him.  He just offered to help the best he could from that distance: to convince his mom to come over and help me with the ever day stuff so I wouldn't have to - the cooking, shopping, household.  It was really sweet of him, and I was a little convinced at the end that accepting a little help might not be a bad idea, even if I was only in this terrible situation because of my own damn fault.

We'll see.  Nothing has yet to come together.

Then I went to meet a friend tonight (another thing I was angry with myself about: for making plans for the weekend to meet with friends, as if I had time).  It was so nice to be doing something other than staring at a computer screen or thinking about math functions.  Yes, it was taking away time to study.  But this close in the game, is an additional set going to make the difference?  Maybe, but I don't know if it was worth my sanity to find out.  I can do my best - from here until the test.  I have a few plans - including one movie, a doctors appointment, and Thanksgiving -  and a lot of teaching between now and then.  I can do my very best, that I know how, in that time before the test.  But I can't ask more than that of myself, because I wouldn't from anybody else.

Ninth night

I binged and bought a couple of kindle books that hopefully might help with my insufficient math score.  One is actually called "The 5lb Book"of practice problems.  So far I've done the arithmetic and algebra sections.  I still make really stupid mistakes: forgetting about the negatives or just not reading the question correctly.  Then I think: "If I make those mistakes now, without the time crunch,..." then what...?  Then I feel pretty doomed now.  Sure, it's good that I see that, but it's not like I've been doing it less because I'm aware of my deficiencies.  There just seem to be some hard habits to break.

I feel time slipping away.  Of course the hours at work are not any less this month.  I really knew this ahead of time: that November would be busy.  Which is originally why I wanted to have this done before now.  Which, being that I've had the book a year now, I could have easily.  Another reason I'm kicking myself.

But that's nothing I can change now.  And now I'm just trying to do my best with the little time I have left.  But being that I don't think I used my time as efficiently as I could have before, it's hard to have the confidence in myself now, that I'm doing the best thing and preparing in the best possible way.  It's hard to know any of that when I haven't even had my head in that game for years now.

And tomorrow's another day.

Eighth night

I took a practice test today.  I did well on the verbal, felt ok on the essays and totally sucked on the math.  I now know the problem is that a majority of the questions I've been practicing with are not of the same difficulty I get in the adaptive test.  And now I'm having problems finding resources to practice it.  Time is running out, and I can't afford to only score in the 65 percentile.  That's not going to fly.

Ugh.  If only I hadn't waited so long to really get into the studying.

I'm too tired to continue tonight.

Seventh night

I did two more essays today.  Maybe they were just better prompts for me, but I really felt like I did much better than yesterday, and was even able to work within the time limit.

I did have some setbacks when I did the practice verbal and quantitative practice sets, either not improving, or doing worse.  Hopefully doing them closer to the test now, I'll be better off.

Tomorrow I have a skype date to talk to my friend more about my personal statement and the schools I'm applying to.  I know I still need a lot of clarity.

And of course, I'm being observed in my kids class at work next week.  Perfect timing. Not.

My attention span ran a bit shorter today.  And I'm tired of sitting in this chair.  Ugh.  Going to bed "early tonight" (= before 1am).

Sixth night

It's a little after midnight, and I completed many of my goals for today.  I got two verbal sets done (although one I received a terrible score on).  I wrote 2 essays, one of each kind.  Although 3/4 through the 1st one I more or less gave up because I was waaaay past the time limit and getting nowhere-fast.  My second essay was complete trash too.  I found where on the website it actually lists the two lists of 200 prompts that they choose from.  I can practice my essays with them, but then I won't see any "good" examples.  I'm still looking to read a lot of those because I think it will help, but I haven't found a wealth of them yet.  I think getting ideas of good answers will actually help me more than even writing them, because I think I'm actually having a hard time envisioning the answers that they're looking for with some of the prompts.  Like the one I did tonight: I ended up writing an essay that was a complete 180 from their example.  Although yes, it's just an example and there are going to be an infinite number of possibilities, I don't think mine was even in the realm of them.  I knew it was crap as I was writing it.  I can't write a personal blog in less than 30 minutes - how the fuck am I supposed to write a 5 paragraph essay?  Furthermore, as I'm reading so much of the advice for these essays, it's evident how much these things are just formulaic and full of shit (one site even suggested that it was good to memorize several quotes that could be broadly applied, because quotes are always good. duh).  This approach might lead me to be more positive about it - if only I thought I could get the formula down in 20 days,  I'm feeling so doubtful right now.  And hateful of the whole system. 

Fifth night

Alright... I bit the bullet.  I signed up for the test.  Or I stood over the toilet and threw $185 into it.  Same difference, right?

November 25 is the big day.  It's also the day B. comes back.  My goal was to have it done by the time he got back, and gosh darn it, I will accomplish at least one of my goals sooner or later.

I also wrote one essay and (poorly) outlined another one.  And I wrote 3 quantitative practice sets.  And started an outline of a personal statement.

And I even taught a class today and talked to B. for over an hour.  Yes, there were times it definitely could have been more productive.  But all in all, it was OK.

The next 2-3 months are going to be a full-out sprint.  After the stroll that the last few have been, I predict that by mid-January, I'll be gasping for air.

Fourth night

Well, I didn't get as much done today as I hoped.  But it wasn't totally unproductive.  I did read some math review.  I also got my lesson plans nearly finished for tomorrow.  I also managed to talk to B twice on Skype for a decent amount of time (which, I know was unproductive and I should have just told him to have fun and then I could work, but then I know there are other days in the next few weeks where I might not hear from him at all, so I should take advantage of it while I can, right?)

I also made yummy soup and got to the gym.  I can already feel the sore and stiff muscles creeping in.

I go from missing him intensely to then being intensely jealous of the experience he's having and the fact that he's having it without me.  It almost seems surreal, in a way.  I can't explain why.  Maybe because they've been planning this for so long, and now I'm actually going through it.

I say that like it's some epic journey.  In a way it is.  It's the first time I'm here, by myself.  And I think (as I think I said before) it's also my first time living in a place alone.  The responsibility is a little daunting.  I'm so afraid of leaving something on or locking myself out that I'm practically OCD about it, checking so many times behind me, going back to look again.  I like having the second set of eyes.  The person to call if you need something.

I think I forget too about the division of labor around here, and I've become so much more grateful for all the things we help each other out with - the bed, the cooking, the dishes.  Because not only is there a lot more to do when you're doing it alone, but it's a lot less fun.

But I guess it also has it's perks.  I have yet to discover them, aside from maybe being able to leave a couple dishes in the sink overnight.  But they're the kind of perks (so far) that hardly matter to me.

Tomorrow is hopefully a productive day.  Maybe I'll get around to writing one of those practice essays and maybe even sign up for the freakin' test.

Third night

Heading home from the party now. It was good I went. It was super chill - just my type of party. But distracting enough to take my mind off things until I had heard from B.

I left a little early (though I was not the first) because my head and eyes were tired from today.  So I want to get some good rest and hopefully get a lot done tomorrow and make some progress on every frontline.

What I wouldn't do for amazing friends that talk me through my craziest moments.  If it weren't for them, I might have just assumed the fetal position for the foreseeable future.

Second night

I think I finally recovered from my awkward moment, although I still cringe and cower if I think about it for too long.

B is leaving the continent tomorrow.  So as "hard" as the last 36 hours have been, they've been bearable because he's still just a phone call away.   But for the next 23 days, we might not even have contact every day.    It's quite a weird thought.  And not one I like very much.  This place already feels so quiet and lonely.  I don't think I've actually spent this much time alone before - without him, or parents, or roommates, or dorm mates.  I should be relishing it.  But I don't.  I don't like it one bit.

So tomorrow, I get up, I go to the gym.  I might study.  I might bake.  And then I have a party to go to.  I'm looking forward to it because it'll be something to do and something to get me off my computer and out of my quiet apartment.  Because I'm in such a mood that I think I'd actually be more satisfied to stay at home and refresh Flight Aware all evening.  So yeah, I need to go to the party, just so I don't do that.

First night

I hated coming home tonight to a dark empty apartment. And I hate the thought of going to bed without him. 

Maybe these mext few weeks are going to be longer than I thought. 

Boo hoo hoo.

Well. I guess I failed first. Kudos to Marina. I'll be sending you something soon. I wish I even had a good excuse. But I don't. I think I has fallen asleep last night when watching tv, and didn't think about anything besides crawling into bed after brushing my teeth. 

B finished his exams yesterday. I didn't finish work until a few hours after, so we celebrated then. Well, celebrated would be an exaggeration. We did go out to dinner at a new restaurant. But B seemed a bit preoccupied, and he didn't really care to talk about it, and I didn't care to press him on it and worsen his mood. We took our little champaign bottles that I got for him/us, and we toasted in front of the courthouse where he took his exams (something I was unable to do right after he finished earlier in the day). It was good. I think I'm definitely more relieved that they're done than he is. But now it's just the waiting game. And then I might also be more nervous than him too. 

So today I saw the Hertie School and asked some questions. I don't know if I feel any better or differently, because I still feel a bit vague on the whole "what is a degree in Public Policy" thing. So my mission is still incomplete. Which means, besides still studying for and taking the GRE later this month, I have to still figure out where I'll be applying. Hell, WHAT I'll be applying for. Oh gosh.  Every time I think about it, I'm still really overwhelmed. 

But I guess it makes it so that these next weeks without B will go by quickly because I have so much to keep myself occupied with. But I'll still miss him terribly. 

Two steps back...

I talked to B's sister last night. She looked at Hertie's website and wasn't impressed. She said it didn't mean much, but that it might mean something. It got me down. I thought it might have been a really good option. I suppose it's still an option, but maybe not as good as I thought.  I appreciate her help.  I just didn't need to hear that. Or maybe I did. Wednesday I go in to talk to them and to audit a class (did I mention that already?).  I'm not as excited as before, but now I'm super interested in what they might say to sell me on it. 

I (re)did a couple GREmath sets today. The first one I got a lower score the second time around. The second one I got a perfect score - the first on since I've started studying this. I don't think it means that much, being that it was a set that I've already done once. But I finally felt like I had a gain. And I need a few of those. 

Not-ready-for-Monday Blues

That was the fastest weekend ever.  Friday evening seriously seems like just a moment ago. And I'm not ready for this week to start.  I'm not ready for next month. My list of "to-dos" is already intimidating. 

Saturday blues.

It was lesson planning and cleaning today. I appreciate that he doesn't want to leave me with a dirty apartment to clean by myself. Hopefully tomorrow it'll be snuggly time. I'm going to miss him next month. 

Yummy weekend

B arranged a French cooking class tonight.  It was nice and something different. 

No plans yet for the weekend. But it's the last one before he leaves for the month. So I just want time with him. 

4 down. 3 more to go.

Better. Today was better. But there's still a long way to go before it's great. 

I got a date with the Hertie School. That's great I guess. 

Now decided if I want to say goodbye to B two days earlier before he leaves on his trip. I must be the must indecisive person ever. I hate that about myself. 

Ugh

Rough doesn't even cut it. 

Terrible day at work. Missed every stop on my way home. And now I can't even get B. to look me in the eyes. Don't know what's going on with him and he won't let me in. 

Tomorrow's another day. But I'm not looking forward to it. 

Forwards and backwards

Today I saw the school that I've been looking at. It's funny because I when I found it, it was just next door to the school where I work, no telling how many times I've passed it before. Hopefully next week I can schedule a tour, sit in on one of the classes, and sit down and talk with someone. 

Either way. Today it occurred to me that if for some reason school didn't work out for next fall, I would have to find another job. The job has really got me down recently. And I just know that there MUST be some job in this city that I could get, even with my (non-existent) German. 

Getting the ball rolling again.. In the middle of a sand trap.

I went in to talk to a professor at Humboldt today. Got some of my questions answered, but don't feel much better about the bigger picture. I still haven't even signed up for my GRE yet. Don't know what I'm waiting for. I have to do it soon. And I know I'm not prepared enough for it too. 

There's so much to be said for momentum. Once you lose it, it's so hard to get back on track. I feel that way about my studying (I feel like I was doing ok before Bosse's folks and then my dad came) and then thinking about how much I've lost being out of school for so long. Do I have any hope of serving in academia (assuming that I can actually get back into academia).  I want to get that momentum back. But I just don't know what it will take. And maybe I'm afraid of what I might have to give up to get there. 

Where'd the day go?

So much for ambition. Yet another day of nearly nothing. 

But I do get to be grateful for new friends. Even if they are leaving for the next three months. 

And I have 3 operas to look forward to in winter. 

Cheers

Day 0, Katie 0. 

Here's to getting nothing done. 

One down. Six more to go.

Tomorrow, I hope to get down to business again. I might even go for a run. The first in too long. I want to start getting into the routine again because I want to work out like a storm when Bs gone (show how well I can do when he's not being a bad influence and I drastically reduce my pork consumption :) ).  And studying. Lots and lots of studying. And research. Lots and lots of research. 

Blah. What are weekends for other than to get your life together?

Lions and tigers and bears.

It turned out to be a wonderful Autumn day at the zoo, perfectly timed between rain showers. We watched the polar bears, the gorillas, the orangutans, the tigers. I hope all that helped B take his mind off the next 12 days ahead. I think it helped me a little bit too. And it was especially nice to do something with him before he leaves next month (since time after the exam will be swift and likely with family).

And now bed. For a hopefully a restful night. 

It all comes down to this.

B's done studying. Tomorrow we go to the zoo. Friday is judgement day. Or rather, the first of 7. 

Keep good, calm, focused thoughts!

The cost of a future

Off topic: I feel like I'm getting better at this whole "thinking-on-my-feet" teaching thing.  The last few weeks I've had successful classes that included totally spontaneous  parts of the lesson.

I came home and looked at more programs.  I think I'm looking at Public Policy/Public Affairs programs.  Sometimes I'm just astonished by the cost of school in the US.  Even as an international student, attending school here is cheaper than in the states - even in LONDON.  Ok, granted I haven't done all the math.  But, after the conversion, tuition at LSE is $35k; at University of Chicago it's over $46.  It's possible that living in London is $10k more a year than in Chicago but I'm not convinced.  At the Hertie School of Governance it's somewhere between 13 and 25 thousand euros for the whole program.  In Italy, it's 8k.  My parents were wonderful to take on such a big financial burden for my undergraduate education, because I can't fathom doing that for grad school.  I guess I've never been that convinced of my success after school that I'd take on so much under my own name.  Then again, maybe if I had more financial risk riding on my success, I'd push myself a bit harder.  Who knows?  But it also doesn't seem like a wise way to find out.

Karma

I've been thinking a bit about karma recently.

This week, the she-devil incarnate opened up her new bakery in downtown Phoenix.  I can just picture the numbers of people flocking there to support her and her expanded business.

And I can't help but feel bitter.  Maybe if I felt like I had more going for me it wouldn't even be on my top 100 things to cross my mind.

But as it is, I just think of the misery she created for her employees, including myself.  And then I think, how can someone that's just so downright terrible have such great success?  Where is the comeuppance?  In many ways, she's a great example of the ass holes out there that do even more damage because they have more power or more money, because maybe they decided to be an investment banker instead of a chef.  It's within that context that I can understand the evil in the world.

And as we saw with many of the tyrants that destroyed the world economy, with great power comes equally powerful friends that will get you off and you'll never have to "pay" for your deeds.  At least not in this existence.

And then, there's the karma that I have to believe in.  No, she might live out the rest of her life believing herself to be god's gift to mankind and never ever being aware of the tears and fear and anxiety she caused.  But hopefully, in her next life, or in the next existence, she'll be painfully aware.  I don't mean to imply that I hope she suffers, because I don't want to believe that anyone suffers either. But I hope she eventually knows the hurt she inflicted, and that she will eventually feel remorse. 

Because in turn, I also want to believe that people who are good and giving will be equally "rewarded."  

A bit of a pick me up

I found my empowerment song today: Roar, by Katy Perry.  I know what you're thinking: how can an over-produced pop song possibly be empowering?  Well, I must admit that it was the catchy tune that first hooked me, but then I started listening to the lyrics and I could help but feel motivated.  If it had been earlier in the day, I would have loaded it onto my iPod and gone for a run with the song on repeat.  As it was, I just listened to it as I did school/program research.

Here's the video, and here are the lyrics (edited for brevity, and annoying "oh's")

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire

Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

You're gonna hear me roar!

Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire

Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

I think of the person who "held me down" as myself.  But I don't want to keep holding myself down, or back.   I really need to brush this think layer of dust off. Because I want to be strong, and loud, and proud.  I want to shake up the place and I want to stand for something.  I just need to stay focused on my goals, even if I'm not entirely sure where that will take me at the moment, I know the person I want to be.  

Back to "work" and none the better for it.

I did a little more program research today and feel a bit more confused at the moment, and feel like I'm at that point that I come to after every time I think I've found a path: panic and run the other direction, fast.  The deeper I get, the more lost I feel. How that happens, I don't know. 

Quiet day

And now here it is. What I've been waiting for all week: a weekend without guests. 

B and I enjoyed the Festival of Lights tonight spur of the moment. It was cut a little short by the rain coming back again, but I'm really glad we had a chance to see it together. 

Tomorrow I think I'll try to sit down and study/work for the first time in nearly 2 (or more?) weeks. Hopefully if won't end in a breakdown. 

So much love

A great day indeed. So grateful for those in my life that made it extra special. 

Is it Friday yet?

Tonight, I got home and B had a personal sauna waiting for me, complete with eucalyptus oils and mint tea.  It couldn't have been nicer.  I feel a little bit better.  

I'm not ready to reflect on being older yet.  Because I'm definitely not in a good state to do that.  

The only thing I'm ready for is the weekend.  

I wish I had sick days

This cold B. gave me is the best birthday gift EVER.

not.

Perfect start of the week, NOT

Aaaaaaand now I'm sick.

Bravo Katie.  Bravo.

First weekend I'm excited for the end.

A little drama today. I love my dad, but he  does things that just make it clear why I feel closer with my mom. He just doesn't think of my feelings the way she does. I suppose I shouldn't take it personally. I think he would do the same things to others. But it still hurts nonetheless. 

I've never felt this way about a weekend before:

"Is it only Saturday?"

Day 2

Day 2 was without any of the drama of day 1, thank goodness. I'm enjoying the time with my dad and wish I could have some solo time with him, although his lady their does bring some more subjects of conversation that we often lack. B is still sick, so he's still not even able to join us for dinner, which is a huge bummer. But, I guess all in all, it's going better than I expected. But I can't exactly say we've broached any deep subjects. So, with the shallow stuff, it's been ok thus far.

Tomorrow is a tour, brunch, and the opera. Hoping B feels better, for him and for me. 

Serenity came, in the end.

The day finished better than it started. That's always a good sign I suppose.  I guess my prayers for peace and tranquility were answered in the end. I'm less anxious than before, but still not totally at ease.  

Tomorrow is Potsdam.  

Wish me luck. 

Doomsday

My dad and his new wife arrive in the morning. 

Ugh.

I'm so not ready for this. I thought I was, but now it doesn't feel like it. 

Oh well. This should be interesting. 

Some happy things today

Today I saw a vine that had turned the same color red as the window panes it was next to. The vine covered one of the walls of this apartment complex, so one wall was just completely, leafy red. This made me happy, for some reason 

So did the little black husky puppy I passed on the way home today. 

Yesterday I had a really good class with a couple of 11 year olds. It made me feel like a good teacher. And that made me happy. 

Clean sheets are hanging aroubd our apartment drying and they smell wonderful. This made me happy. 

I finally put labels on my spice jars. And that makes me happy. 

Tomorrow I have the day off. That makes me really happy. 

 

Procrastinating, and writing about procrastination.

The hardest part about any task is getting started.  At least for me.  And it doesn't seem to matter what I've set out to do; Going for a run, researching schools, preparing for a class, studying for the GRE are all equally daunting and difficult to get the ball rolling.  I found that I made the most progress in my German studies when I was using it as a procrastinating tool.  When I realized what I was doing, I stopped studying German so much and made little progress in anything.

I am a perfect example of the human condition in... this incapable of starting a task thing, whatever it is.  I'm sure scientist have a name for it, and maybe it is just another form of procrastination.  The reason why I'm a perfect example? Because I know how good it feels after I finish a run.  I know I'm a better teacher when I prepare for my classes.   I know that studying for the GRE will result in better scores.  And I know that researching for grad schools makes me at least feel like I'm seeking out a better future (even if on some days it seems counterproductive).  But you see, despite knowing all these things and knowing the good results of these actions, I fail to do them.  I fail to motivate myself to even start on them (much less finish).  And then in the end, I'm failing myself.

And sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing in the mean time.  I mean, I must be seriously wasting my time with other things.  It's like having a black out, because all this time has passed and I have virtually nothing to show for it.  What have I been doing?

I realize this is a dangerous game to play, because I can take it back as far as my mind will take me.  This week?  This month?  This year?  Since college?  Since high school?  It leads quickly to regrets, of which I thought I never had.

That's the conundrum.  I don't exactly love where I am, career wise.  But I love where I am otherwise: where I'm living, who I'm with.  And I couldn't have that now without the job that I have.  And I wouldn't be here if I hadn't done the things before, and made the choices I did.  Everything has led me to where I am now, so regretting any choice I made I feel is tantamount to saying I regret everything about where I am now.  And that's certainly not true.

Regardless, I have difficulties looking forward, and not focusing on the decisions I made or didn't make.  I keep ruminating over the woulda-shoulda-coulda-ifIonlyhadas.  I realize this makes my life bleak, as it feels.  Like with my other tasks, I know I would do better in every aspect of my life if I focused on the good and on the future and on the choices ahead.  But just like my other tasks, the hardest part is getting started.

The unfortunate end to an unproductive weekend

I didn't really begin to get done some of the things on my weekend "to do" list.  Guests don't help.  And neither does procrastination and/or avoidance issues.                      

I think I got my papers partly graded, and a couple emails sent out to old professors.  Hardly the accomplishments I had hoped for.  But I guess it's better than (absolutely) nothing.

B's parents leave on Tuesday.  Then my dad and his wife arrive on Thursday.  They're staying with us. I'm kind of anxious about it.  I'm eagerly awaiting B's review of the new lady, since this will be the first time they will meet.  And this will be the first time I will have spent any decent time with her.  I'm really excited to see my dad actually, but her presence puts a bit of a damper on it, since it adds a level of anxiety.  I feel like I have to impress her.  It really should be the other way around, and I hope it is.  I feel a bit "ech" by the whole thing to be honest.  And basically, I'm glad B's here this time around, even though the three of us will be spending a good amount of time together without him too.

B's got basically 2.5 weeks until he starts his exam.  I'm trying to think of nice things to do for him: special meals and fun activities for when he's not taking his exam.  I want to make the time as nice as possible because it'll also be the last couple of week leading up to his trip.  I think I'm more anxious about it than he is.

I'm just generally an anxious person right now.  I feel like I'm always on the brink.  Because if anyone asks me to much about what's going on (or, alternatively, I think about it too much), I inevitably break down.  I still can't seem to focus on anything good or positive.  I have yet to see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Feeling chilly

It's beautiful but cold in Berlin. It really did go straight from summer to mid fall. The vines are red. The trees are yellow. It's beautiful around here, but I'm so not ready for winter. I just want it to be warm again.

Today was a lazy day. B. And I went for a brisk run. I still had my headache from yesterday, but knew I needed the exercise more. Then it was a late breakfast with B.'s parents and then a walk down to the Gate to see all the preparation for the marathon. We came home, read an article from the newspaper, lazed around a bit more before we met up again for dinner at a restaurant near our house. Again, didn't get much of any consequence done, but I was OK with that. 

I nearly had a minor breakdown before dinner. We were talking on our way to dinner and it somehow came up that I think my like is a mess. B. gets a little upset at this suggestion before I make it clear that it has nothing to do with him or us. He tells me I should stop being so negative and maybe if I dropped something off my plate, I would stop being so deer-in-headlights all the time and maybe get more done. He might have a point.  But I wouldn't know what to drop because everything I'm "working" on seems so important. 

I'll be thinking about it though. 

A beautiful day to have a migraine.

Today I had a pretty debilitating headache for most of the day, which meant I really didn't get much of anything done. Well, I got my tests partly graded after lunch. But no run. And no dropping off my torn pants. I did get out for a walk in hopes of clearing my head. It was a beautiful day, and I felt good while I was outside. But unfortunately, as soon as I got back, my head started aching again. 

B.'s parents are in town. His dad is running the marathon on Sunday. They're pretty low maintance, so it's company that I actually like having around. And I get to practice my German with them a bit.  Which in a way, makes me feel awful. Fifteen months into living here and I can still barely string a sentence together. Pathetic. Some days I just wish I felt I was accomplishing something.  

Today was not one of those days. 

Just another Thursday.

My pants split today.

That was pretty much the most consequential thing that happened.

And I didn't even care. Aside from now I must drop them off at the seamstress tomorrow. After I go for a long run. 

Ass.u.me.

So when I first thought about doing the GRE, I took a diagnostic test: a complete practice GRE.  This was to establish my baseline, and where I could work up from.

That was sometime last year.

So, after studying on and off for the past few months, I took another diagnostic GRE to see how I improved.

Well, I should say, one might assume that after a few months of studying, one's scores would improve.

But we all know what they say about "assuming."

And I definitely feel like a giant ass, right about now.

Ugh.

Deep breath

No major breakdowns today.  So that's a plus.

Might have found a cool program.  Unfortunately it's in the middle of nowhere New York.  But it's worth looking into.  Maybe it's an option.

Have to still look for other options though.  So many others.  Still need to look up half the degree names on Wikipedia.  That's when I really don't feel prepared for academia.

Tomorrow I have to study for a test at Berlitz.  It makes me upset that I'm taking any time away from studying for my future and using it for a job I hate and have no intention of being at for longer than absolutely necessary.  But, it's a necessary evil I suppose.

Either way, tomorrow's another day.  And I can always be grateful for that.

Seriously, F*ck Passion

Today I was thinking about how completely misguided the advice "follow your passion" is. At least for me. I can't really think of another thing/idea that has gotten me into more trouble than this one.

And even now that I've more or less discarded it and I'm no longer trying to find my "passion" but I'm just trying to find "the thing I might be able to live with for the next 10 to 20 to 30 years of my life" it still haunts me deeply. I can't seem to make progress on anything without feeling like a) the time and energy I wasted on trying to find my passion I could have used to actually get good at something and made something of myself and b) backing out of every path I start on because I'm still afraid it's not ultimately what I want to be doing. And this is exactly what I don't want: I don't want to regret anything (too late) and I don't want to keep dodging ideas because they don't fulfill some future that I've already passed up. 

In thinking about it today, I was also trying to think about where I'd gotten the idea to "follow my passion" in the first place. I realize that it's a bit of a mantra for our generation, but not everybody took it quite so seriously.  I remember bouncing from career to career even when I was a little kid: an actor, director, FBI agent, lawyer, National Geographic photographer.  That's just off the top of my head.  Maybe if I'd just stuck with one of those ideas, gone with it, I'd have something a bit more tangible now than those memories.  Sure, kids change their minds all the time.  But isn't part of adulthood and growing up just picking something and going with it.  Because you're responsible, you must pay the bills, and that's the way life is.

My parents might be "to blame" for this, although I would never, ever actually blame them for the way I am now.  All I know is that the folks I know that have a job or are on some solid path to one, a common factor among many of them was that they had no other option.  Their parents cut them off, didn't give them the financial flexibility of wavering about from idea to idea.  My parents gave me the opportunities that they didn't have and they did what they thought was kind: allow me to take my time, travel, "find my passion."  And I love them for it, and they continue to give me that space, probably even more so now that I actually am financially dependent (although I'd be at their mercy in a financial emergency).

But here I am.  28 years old.  Although I can say I've taken the time since graduating to travel, I used it as a way to give me time to find that so-call-passion.  5 years out of college, I've given up on finding it, because I realize that in trying to find it, I'm now wasting time in a job I hate and I had no intention of staying at from the very beginning.  Meanwhile, I'm also missing opportunities and jeopardizing the part of my future-vision that is still possible.

Right now, I hope that I can find something that I can live with, and hopefully become passionate about it later.  For now, I only know of one other place I care about their being passion.  And it ain't in my job search.

My three wishes

Never want the weekend to end. If I had three wishes, I think that would be one of them: endless weekends. Like Groundhog Day, but without the insanity, or repetition for that matter. 

I also never want the responsibility of weekdays, no matter how little it is. I can't seem to strike that perfect balance. If I have too much work, I don't get anything done but work. If I work to little, I get nothing done at all. Well, maybe I get a little more done, but it's never as much as I should. 

And I try to keep weekends hallow, and not work during them. But that doesn't seem like such a good idea when the weeks aren't that productive either.  

What it really amounts to is that I'm in an eternal state of avoidance.  Which makes Groundhog Day actually perfect scenario. That would be my second wish. 

1) live a day endlessly

2) make that day a weekend

3) have more wishes

Louis CK inspiration

Today we were watching a Luis CK clip in which he's taking about his little girls. I've recounted the dialogue to the best of my ability.

Conan: how are your two girls?

Louis CK: oh, they're good. I mean, they're two white American girls, so they're great on paper. 

For some reason, this thought has been with me for the rest of the afternoon.  We say that a lot about people, that they're "good (or bad) on paper."  And I was thinking about how I thought I looked on paper. 

By Louis's standards, I am great. But I dont feel great. I know that being white, and being from a rich, developed country makes me privileged, but does that also make me automatically good on the theoretical paper that so many people judge us on?  I always thought that paper was about accomplishments and qualifications. But being white and being American is obviously not any more a personal accomplishment than having brown eyes. But those traits can certainly put me ahead, even unknowingly.

So, it made me think, a) are many of my "qualifications" so inherent that I don't even acknowledged them and, b) should I?

Another TGIF

There are some days when I love more about my life than I hate about it. 

Today was not one of those days. 

After getting up to go to the bathroom last night, I was awake for nearly 2 hours. That of course meant that when our alarm went off, I wasn't exactly stoked to get up, which also meant that the state of negativity that I went to bed with was only innervated, rather than mitigated with the rest I needed but didn't get. 

So then, I have a tough time prepping for my classes. It's hard to be motivated to do a job at a company where you're underpaid, unappreciated, and completely disposable. When talking about levels of employee commitment in my business English class last night, my students asked me where I felt I was on the pie chart in our text books that divided workers into "truly loyal," "high risk," and "feel trapped."  Obviously, I couldn't be completely honest with them. I did say I felt trapped just by nature of my visa and the fact that I couldn't get any other job. But obviously, I feel more trapped than just by the parameters of my visa.

And so my day went on from there. I can't say that it ever got any better, but I felt better after work, in that it was behind me and I had another weekend ahead of me. 

With that, I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be a day when I'm positive about more things than I'm not. 

3 of my not-so-favorite things

I'm not liking the new iOS right now. The installation was sloppy and I feel like I'm missing half my apps. Oh, and I don't like change. 

I'm depressed about the sad state of politics in the US. Between our love of guns and disregard for the poor, i think we're in a terrible place. WJWn'tD. 

I don't like hipsters. Unfortunately, Berlin is full of them. But with every succeeding day, they convince me more and more that they're just a bunch of white, poorly-dressed, unaware-of-their-own-privilege hypocrites. 

Progress is imperfect

Day two of my second weekend was ok-productive.  I studied more of the vocabulary for the GRE, and tried my hand with the analytical essays.  That was thoroughly depressing.  Just the thought of writing critical essays again made me shake in my boots, and of course then I extend that to grad school in general and I have a genuine freak-out.  I might have felt better had I moderately succeeded in even writing out the bullet points for a argument, but as I didn't, I didn't feel better either.

I got a letter from a friend today who I've been corresponding with concerning programs at Georgetown (yeah, I know, a little too ambitious), which did make me feel a bit better.  Not necessarily about getting into Georgetown (I'm not really considering it at this point), but about grad school in general and my freaking out about the GRE.  Of course, she said something like "don't worry about it because not only do a lot of schools not value it to a great degree, but you can also take it over again and submit your best score."  Well, yes.  I think I took the SAT three times, with the same score in the 2nd and 3rd.  Not only do I not have the time to take the GRE multiple times, but I don't have the money either, at nearly $200 a pop.  Right now, I'd rather invest that same money in a coat for the winter.  I'll probably need it more than a good GRE score.

I'm not working that much in the next week.  Although I'm bummed about what will be the lack of money, I also know I desperately need that time to get my sh*t together.  My list is long, and it only gets longer.  I've only just begun.

Weekend Number 2

I worked yesterday, and now I get a second weekend. This is good, as B. is now working again which helps me to sit down and get down to business too. 

I can't say I feel much better today, but at least I got a little further. Tomorrow maybe I'll get further still.  And I got a letter written today that I've been meaning to write for months, which in a way, was the best part of my day. 

Did I mention that B. and his dad finalized their plans for India?  Tickets are bought and everything.  I guess now I can really start thinking how I can make the most of my month without him.  Last night I got an invitation for Thanksgiving, since he'll be gone for that, at a friend's house whose parent live here in Berlin too. It's nice to know I have somewhere to go, even though I think that B. and I might celebrate again once he gets back. 

I'm worried about him though, and his exam. He took a big hit last week, and he's really having a hard time moving past it, and I'm totally clueless as to the best way to support him. I know he appreciates my efforts even when he probably doesn't find them too helpful or inspiring. But I do wish I could do or say something that could help push him through this last phase. Maybe this is how he feels every time he tries to help me with my career issues?  Is this a taste of my own medicine?

But I know these are the type if struggles that are making us stronger as a couple, precisely because we might not be sure how to best support the other, but we support each other nonetheless. 

Downer day

Today my confidence took a bit of a hit.  Rather, every time I start to get down to business and look into grad school options, my confidence hits rock bottom.  I feel like I'm already too stupid to ask questions, because I'm asking the sort of questions I should already know the answer too - either because I should already be further along in my research, or because I should already know those things, period, if I want to consider further education.

I feel inarticulate (this post is probably proving my point) and lost, and I feel like I convey that in my quest.  Sitting down to write emails to professors, program heads, friends, I feel like I'll lose more than gain.

I can't say I came out of college feeling like I was the smartest kid in the class - I was sometimes painfully aware of that.  But in the 5 years since, I feel like whatever minimal confidence I had about the skills I had to offer the world, has disappeared.

I have no hope for competing against either incoming recent undergrads or those who have been working for the past 5 years in a related field.  After working a year at a language school and a university, which I can hardly call teaching as it is, I'm also forced to admit that what I did for two years in Spain was a far cry from any of it.  So, given my last 5.5 years since graduation, how can I prop up my limited and unrelated experience for grad school.

Yuck.  It's just so hard to believe that I'm good for doing anything except for what I'm doing right now. And I hate what I'm doing right now.

And I know I need to force myself to do these things, to ask these questions, to reach out, despite having the repulsion to do so.  Because I know that's the only way I'll get anywhere.  And I'm hoping that maybe, along the way, a kernel of confidence might grow inside again.

Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

This is an intervention, for our dear solar star, The Sun.

You are getting far too indolent of recent, and it's really getting to be a problem. Now, it's starting to impact your family here in the northern hemisphere of planet Earth. 

Ive been noticing that for the last few months, you've been rising later and later, and then going to bed earlier and earlier. Not only that, but some days, it seems like you don't bother getting up at all.  I'm afraid that this trend will become habit, and before you or any of us realize it, it's been 6 months and we've barely seen you at all. 

So, I hope this goes to show, how much we care about you and how much we love you, to want you to be a daily part of our lives.  Please get up, please stick around. Because life's just not quite as much fun without your warmth.

One half of a prefect weekend.

Today was a marvelously relaxing day. 

B. took another day off and we had a late breakfast before exploring the city today. The sun was out and shining brilliantly, so I think it would have been senseless for either of us to stay in, regardless of how much we each had to do. 

So we zig-zagged our way through, first with the bus that goes around the touristy parts of the city, and then with the ring-bahn, to come back through Ku-damm. After getting back home, B. stayed for a bit and I went to the park to bask in the sunlight for an hour before he joined me again for another short stroll. We got cake on our way home and then contemplated going out to eat lunch-dinner, but then just decided on homemade lasagne, since we had everything for it (we keep a stockpile of Bolognese sauce frozen in such dire pasta cases). And it was delicious.  While it was cooking, B. watching a game and finally explained to me the difference between the First League and Champions League in soccer. We're saving the cake for later, since we ate so much lasagne. 

I know I should probably feel worse about not getting much done today.  But I also figured that since my work week is relatively slow next week, I'd have lots of time to be productive then. It does actually bother me that I'm not more disturbed by my lack of productivity, in a time where I'm already short of the minutes I need to even accomplish my short term goals. I'm bothered because I'm not more bothered. But, I figure, with the season changing, I'll have plenty of time to force myself to sit indoors and be productive. But I suppose that sounds like every other procrastinator. 

But then, it's not every day that Berlin is blessed with such beautiful weather. Seize the day.

Wishing for an eternal, sunny, weekend

This is the biggest TGIF ever!  

School felt longer today that usual. I probably looked at my clock no less than 15 times in a 20 minute interval. 

And then the rest of the evening consisted of grocery shopping and vegging out in front of the tv catching up on series and watching a movie. B. had a kind of breakdown today over his studies (he got a bad mark on one of his practice exams) so he was in the mood to lounge with me. Tomorrow we'll get down to business again. It might be the last day of sun for like the next two weeks, so I'm going to also see what I can get done outside. And maybe even be social too. 

At least next week should be a lot easier. It sucks for the money, but I don't get anything else done when I works such crazy hours. And today, after being wrist-slapped by my boss for the dumbest of things, was another good motivational tool for me to try and get the heck out of there. 

Breaking the mold

It never occurred to me that Germans were the hugging sort. But after a few instances where I've had acquaintances-burgeoning-on-friends initiate hugs at times I normally wouldn't have, it wouldn't have expected them to, I'm beginning to think my assumption might be wrong. Of course, you're probably thinking that I, a person who rarely reaches out for physical comfort or affection, of course wouldn't expect others to do what simply wouldn't occur to me. But I honest-to-God thought that Germans were the sort of emotionally distant people that wouldn't reach out for a hug without intimately knowing the person they embrace. 

But I guess it's another example of how people will surprise you. 

Oh yeah.  And assumptions are often wrong. 

A little more time, nothing more done

I have an evening off tonight.  It feels so nice not to get home after dark.  Of course now, daylight is changing so much that "after dark" isn't that late anymore (but still late enough).

I haven't gotten any work done this week outside of teaching, and I don't see myself having the energy or desire once the weekend comes along to do any then either.  I wish I had the motivation to stay up late, wake up early, spend my weekends and spare moments studying, researching.

Maybe it's because I don't see it going anywhere yet.  So many of my attempts have failed in the passed.  Then again, many of my attempts weren't exactly vigorous.

I know that nothing good ever happens without lots of sweat and hard work.  I think of you - I know you put in a lot of work to find your job during Oxy, and you work really hard now for what you have.  And I look at Bosse - I know he put in a lot of hard work to figure out what he was going to do with his life, and now that he's on his path, he works diligently.  My problem is still finding the path.  And I've been hoping to stumble on it for so long that I doubt my ability to find it, even though one my call my efforts pathetic (because, let's face it, they have consisted of moving from thing to thing, place to place, avoiding the responsibility of finding a stable job because I've hoped that through all my journeys it would fall into my lap, as most other brilliant ideas in my life did).

I know I need to work.  But now I also feel like I lack the ability and knowledge to do so.  I don't know how to look for the path.  And now I feel like my attempts have been so feeble that I don't feel like I can legitimately ask for help.  And who would I even ask anyway?  And how do I ask?  What do I ask?  Can you tell me what I'm meant to do?  What you think I should do?

I envy those people who knew with such conviction from an early(er) age what they were going to do, what path they were going to follow.  I won't be so naive as to believe all those people are inevitably happier than I, but I do believe there's an invaluable sense of security that comes with such conviction.
I find my self lacking security, conviction.  The disconnect lies in the fact that for as much as I envy those things, I also lack the motivation to pursue them.

It would seem that I'm acting against my own best interests, which doesn't make much sense.  And I'm not sure where that leaves me, except still hoping that a map out of these woods falls from the sky.

Is it only Tuesday?

Today was a long day.  I got home about 12 hours after I left this morning.

And I'm feeling like I've been too much working and sitting and eating, and not enough running and exercising.  I haven't felt/been this heavy in a few years (I think/I feel), so I think I need to crack down. The German beer this summer, combined with guests and events have been killing my waist line.

Yeah...  So hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to get out for a run.

Or get to the gym.  Because it's probably raining, again, tomorrow.

LOVE this weather.

not

ok, I'm tired and irritated.  can you tell?

As my eyes close...

Today I had a class for the last time. It's always weird. I started with these two girls back in March. And now for the last 5 months, I've seen them most Mondays. 

They were my age. And seeing them every week was nice. But also a little unfortunate because I knew that these girls could be people I'd like to be friends with, but I couldn't because I had met them through Berlitz. 

But, in that way, they were a weekly inspiration to find friends that I could have. 

So now I won't see them anymore, but at least I have a couple more budding girlfriends on the side. I guess that's progress. 

Before bed...

Another weekend has passed, without much of any consequence being accomplished.

I did meet with friends.  Or people of whom I'm trying to become friends with.  So, maybe that can count for something.

---

Also, I'm sooooo not ready for autumn.  Tomorrow is cold and rainy and the leaves are starting to fall.  I think I'll buy my winter jacket this week with my August bonus.

Walking to the store...

Can I start my life over?

Can I start it again, knowing what I know now, what things I wish I had and hadn't done.  Meanwhile, I would like to still know all (most?) the people I know now but be infinitely more successful.  Whatever that means.