And even now that I've more or less discarded it and I'm no longer trying to find my "passion" but I'm just trying to find "the thing I might be able to live with for the next 10 to 20 to 30 years of my life" it still haunts me deeply. I can't seem to make progress on anything without feeling like a) the time and energy I wasted on trying to find my passion I could have used to actually get good at something and made something of myself and b) backing out of every path I start on because I'm still afraid it's not ultimately what I want to be doing. And this is exactly what I don't want: I don't want to regret anything (too late) and I don't want to keep dodging ideas because they don't fulfill some future that I've already passed up.
In thinking about it today, I was also trying to think about where I'd gotten the idea to "follow my passion" in the first place. I realize that it's a bit of a mantra for our generation, but not everybody took it quite so seriously. I remember bouncing from career to career even when I was a little kid: an actor, director, FBI agent, lawyer, National Geographic photographer. That's just off the top of my head. Maybe if I'd just stuck with one of those ideas, gone with it, I'd have something a bit more tangible now than those memories. Sure, kids change their minds all the time. But isn't part of adulthood and growing up just picking something and going with it. Because you're responsible, you must pay the bills, and that's the way life is.
My parents might be "to blame" for this, although I would never, ever actually blame them for the way I am now. All I know is that the folks I know that have a job or are on some solid path to one, a common factor among many of them was that they had no other option. Their parents cut them off, didn't give them the financial flexibility of wavering about from idea to idea. My parents gave me the opportunities that they didn't have and they did what they thought was kind: allow me to take my time, travel, "find my passion." And I love them for it, and they continue to give me that space, probably even more so now that I actually am financially dependent (although I'd be at their mercy in a financial emergency).
But here I am. 28 years old. Although I can say I've taken the time since graduating to travel, I used it as a way to give me time to find that so-call-passion. 5 years out of college, I've given up on finding it, because I realize that in trying to find it, I'm now wasting time in a job I hate and I had no intention of staying at from the very beginning. Meanwhile, I'm also missing opportunities and jeopardizing the part of my future-vision that is still possible.
Right now, I hope that I can find something that I can live with, and hopefully become passionate about it later. For now, I only know of one other place I care about their being passion. And it ain't in my job search.
My parents might be "to blame" for this, although I would never, ever actually blame them for the way I am now. All I know is that the folks I know that have a job or are on some solid path to one, a common factor among many of them was that they had no other option. Their parents cut them off, didn't give them the financial flexibility of wavering about from idea to idea. My parents gave me the opportunities that they didn't have and they did what they thought was kind: allow me to take my time, travel, "find my passion." And I love them for it, and they continue to give me that space, probably even more so now that I actually am financially dependent (although I'd be at their mercy in a financial emergency).
But here I am. 28 years old. Although I can say I've taken the time since graduating to travel, I used it as a way to give me time to find that so-call-passion. 5 years out of college, I've given up on finding it, because I realize that in trying to find it, I'm now wasting time in a job I hate and I had no intention of staying at from the very beginning. Meanwhile, I'm also missing opportunities and jeopardizing the part of my future-vision that is still possible.
Right now, I hope that I can find something that I can live with, and hopefully become passionate about it later. For now, I only know of one other place I care about their being passion. And it ain't in my job search.
I know everything will be looking up so soon!!! I love you!
ReplyDelete