Procrastinating, and writing about procrastination.

The hardest part about any task is getting started.  At least for me.  And it doesn't seem to matter what I've set out to do; Going for a run, researching schools, preparing for a class, studying for the GRE are all equally daunting and difficult to get the ball rolling.  I found that I made the most progress in my German studies when I was using it as a procrastinating tool.  When I realized what I was doing, I stopped studying German so much and made little progress in anything.

I am a perfect example of the human condition in... this incapable of starting a task thing, whatever it is.  I'm sure scientist have a name for it, and maybe it is just another form of procrastination.  The reason why I'm a perfect example? Because I know how good it feels after I finish a run.  I know I'm a better teacher when I prepare for my classes.   I know that studying for the GRE will result in better scores.  And I know that researching for grad schools makes me at least feel like I'm seeking out a better future (even if on some days it seems counterproductive).  But you see, despite knowing all these things and knowing the good results of these actions, I fail to do them.  I fail to motivate myself to even start on them (much less finish).  And then in the end, I'm failing myself.

And sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing in the mean time.  I mean, I must be seriously wasting my time with other things.  It's like having a black out, because all this time has passed and I have virtually nothing to show for it.  What have I been doing?

I realize this is a dangerous game to play, because I can take it back as far as my mind will take me.  This week?  This month?  This year?  Since college?  Since high school?  It leads quickly to regrets, of which I thought I never had.

That's the conundrum.  I don't exactly love where I am, career wise.  But I love where I am otherwise: where I'm living, who I'm with.  And I couldn't have that now without the job that I have.  And I wouldn't be here if I hadn't done the things before, and made the choices I did.  Everything has led me to where I am now, so regretting any choice I made I feel is tantamount to saying I regret everything about where I am now.  And that's certainly not true.

Regardless, I have difficulties looking forward, and not focusing on the decisions I made or didn't make.  I keep ruminating over the woulda-shoulda-coulda-ifIonlyhadas.  I realize this makes my life bleak, as it feels.  Like with my other tasks, I know I would do better in every aspect of my life if I focused on the good and on the future and on the choices ahead.  But just like my other tasks, the hardest part is getting started.

The unfortunate end to an unproductive weekend

I didn't really begin to get done some of the things on my weekend "to do" list.  Guests don't help.  And neither does procrastination and/or avoidance issues.                      

I think I got my papers partly graded, and a couple emails sent out to old professors.  Hardly the accomplishments I had hoped for.  But I guess it's better than (absolutely) nothing.

B's parents leave on Tuesday.  Then my dad and his wife arrive on Thursday.  They're staying with us. I'm kind of anxious about it.  I'm eagerly awaiting B's review of the new lady, since this will be the first time they will meet.  And this will be the first time I will have spent any decent time with her.  I'm really excited to see my dad actually, but her presence puts a bit of a damper on it, since it adds a level of anxiety.  I feel like I have to impress her.  It really should be the other way around, and I hope it is.  I feel a bit "ech" by the whole thing to be honest.  And basically, I'm glad B's here this time around, even though the three of us will be spending a good amount of time together without him too.

B's got basically 2.5 weeks until he starts his exam.  I'm trying to think of nice things to do for him: special meals and fun activities for when he's not taking his exam.  I want to make the time as nice as possible because it'll also be the last couple of week leading up to his trip.  I think I'm more anxious about it than he is.

I'm just generally an anxious person right now.  I feel like I'm always on the brink.  Because if anyone asks me to much about what's going on (or, alternatively, I think about it too much), I inevitably break down.  I still can't seem to focus on anything good or positive.  I have yet to see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Feeling chilly

It's beautiful but cold in Berlin. It really did go straight from summer to mid fall. The vines are red. The trees are yellow. It's beautiful around here, but I'm so not ready for winter. I just want it to be warm again.

Today was a lazy day. B. And I went for a brisk run. I still had my headache from yesterday, but knew I needed the exercise more. Then it was a late breakfast with B.'s parents and then a walk down to the Gate to see all the preparation for the marathon. We came home, read an article from the newspaper, lazed around a bit more before we met up again for dinner at a restaurant near our house. Again, didn't get much of any consequence done, but I was OK with that. 

I nearly had a minor breakdown before dinner. We were talking on our way to dinner and it somehow came up that I think my like is a mess. B. gets a little upset at this suggestion before I make it clear that it has nothing to do with him or us. He tells me I should stop being so negative and maybe if I dropped something off my plate, I would stop being so deer-in-headlights all the time and maybe get more done. He might have a point.  But I wouldn't know what to drop because everything I'm "working" on seems so important. 

I'll be thinking about it though. 

A beautiful day to have a migraine.

Today I had a pretty debilitating headache for most of the day, which meant I really didn't get much of anything done. Well, I got my tests partly graded after lunch. But no run. And no dropping off my torn pants. I did get out for a walk in hopes of clearing my head. It was a beautiful day, and I felt good while I was outside. But unfortunately, as soon as I got back, my head started aching again. 

B.'s parents are in town. His dad is running the marathon on Sunday. They're pretty low maintance, so it's company that I actually like having around. And I get to practice my German with them a bit.  Which in a way, makes me feel awful. Fifteen months into living here and I can still barely string a sentence together. Pathetic. Some days I just wish I felt I was accomplishing something.  

Today was not one of those days. 

Just another Thursday.

My pants split today.

That was pretty much the most consequential thing that happened.

And I didn't even care. Aside from now I must drop them off at the seamstress tomorrow. After I go for a long run. 

Ass.u.me.

So when I first thought about doing the GRE, I took a diagnostic test: a complete practice GRE.  This was to establish my baseline, and where I could work up from.

That was sometime last year.

So, after studying on and off for the past few months, I took another diagnostic GRE to see how I improved.

Well, I should say, one might assume that after a few months of studying, one's scores would improve.

But we all know what they say about "assuming."

And I definitely feel like a giant ass, right about now.

Ugh.

Deep breath

No major breakdowns today.  So that's a plus.

Might have found a cool program.  Unfortunately it's in the middle of nowhere New York.  But it's worth looking into.  Maybe it's an option.

Have to still look for other options though.  So many others.  Still need to look up half the degree names on Wikipedia.  That's when I really don't feel prepared for academia.

Tomorrow I have to study for a test at Berlitz.  It makes me upset that I'm taking any time away from studying for my future and using it for a job I hate and have no intention of being at for longer than absolutely necessary.  But, it's a necessary evil I suppose.

Either way, tomorrow's another day.  And I can always be grateful for that.

Seriously, F*ck Passion

Today I was thinking about how completely misguided the advice "follow your passion" is. At least for me. I can't really think of another thing/idea that has gotten me into more trouble than this one.

And even now that I've more or less discarded it and I'm no longer trying to find my "passion" but I'm just trying to find "the thing I might be able to live with for the next 10 to 20 to 30 years of my life" it still haunts me deeply. I can't seem to make progress on anything without feeling like a) the time and energy I wasted on trying to find my passion I could have used to actually get good at something and made something of myself and b) backing out of every path I start on because I'm still afraid it's not ultimately what I want to be doing. And this is exactly what I don't want: I don't want to regret anything (too late) and I don't want to keep dodging ideas because they don't fulfill some future that I've already passed up. 

In thinking about it today, I was also trying to think about where I'd gotten the idea to "follow my passion" in the first place. I realize that it's a bit of a mantra for our generation, but not everybody took it quite so seriously.  I remember bouncing from career to career even when I was a little kid: an actor, director, FBI agent, lawyer, National Geographic photographer.  That's just off the top of my head.  Maybe if I'd just stuck with one of those ideas, gone with it, I'd have something a bit more tangible now than those memories.  Sure, kids change their minds all the time.  But isn't part of adulthood and growing up just picking something and going with it.  Because you're responsible, you must pay the bills, and that's the way life is.

My parents might be "to blame" for this, although I would never, ever actually blame them for the way I am now.  All I know is that the folks I know that have a job or are on some solid path to one, a common factor among many of them was that they had no other option.  Their parents cut them off, didn't give them the financial flexibility of wavering about from idea to idea.  My parents gave me the opportunities that they didn't have and they did what they thought was kind: allow me to take my time, travel, "find my passion."  And I love them for it, and they continue to give me that space, probably even more so now that I actually am financially dependent (although I'd be at their mercy in a financial emergency).

But here I am.  28 years old.  Although I can say I've taken the time since graduating to travel, I used it as a way to give me time to find that so-call-passion.  5 years out of college, I've given up on finding it, because I realize that in trying to find it, I'm now wasting time in a job I hate and I had no intention of staying at from the very beginning.  Meanwhile, I'm also missing opportunities and jeopardizing the part of my future-vision that is still possible.

Right now, I hope that I can find something that I can live with, and hopefully become passionate about it later.  For now, I only know of one other place I care about their being passion.  And it ain't in my job search.

My three wishes

Never want the weekend to end. If I had three wishes, I think that would be one of them: endless weekends. Like Groundhog Day, but without the insanity, or repetition for that matter. 

I also never want the responsibility of weekdays, no matter how little it is. I can't seem to strike that perfect balance. If I have too much work, I don't get anything done but work. If I work to little, I get nothing done at all. Well, maybe I get a little more done, but it's never as much as I should. 

And I try to keep weekends hallow, and not work during them. But that doesn't seem like such a good idea when the weeks aren't that productive either.  

What it really amounts to is that I'm in an eternal state of avoidance.  Which makes Groundhog Day actually perfect scenario. That would be my second wish. 

1) live a day endlessly

2) make that day a weekend

3) have more wishes

Louis CK inspiration

Today we were watching a Luis CK clip in which he's taking about his little girls. I've recounted the dialogue to the best of my ability.

Conan: how are your two girls?

Louis CK: oh, they're good. I mean, they're two white American girls, so they're great on paper. 

For some reason, this thought has been with me for the rest of the afternoon.  We say that a lot about people, that they're "good (or bad) on paper."  And I was thinking about how I thought I looked on paper. 

By Louis's standards, I am great. But I dont feel great. I know that being white, and being from a rich, developed country makes me privileged, but does that also make me automatically good on the theoretical paper that so many people judge us on?  I always thought that paper was about accomplishments and qualifications. But being white and being American is obviously not any more a personal accomplishment than having brown eyes. But those traits can certainly put me ahead, even unknowingly.

So, it made me think, a) are many of my "qualifications" so inherent that I don't even acknowledged them and, b) should I?

Another TGIF

There are some days when I love more about my life than I hate about it. 

Today was not one of those days. 

After getting up to go to the bathroom last night, I was awake for nearly 2 hours. That of course meant that when our alarm went off, I wasn't exactly stoked to get up, which also meant that the state of negativity that I went to bed with was only innervated, rather than mitigated with the rest I needed but didn't get. 

So then, I have a tough time prepping for my classes. It's hard to be motivated to do a job at a company where you're underpaid, unappreciated, and completely disposable. When talking about levels of employee commitment in my business English class last night, my students asked me where I felt I was on the pie chart in our text books that divided workers into "truly loyal," "high risk," and "feel trapped."  Obviously, I couldn't be completely honest with them. I did say I felt trapped just by nature of my visa and the fact that I couldn't get any other job. But obviously, I feel more trapped than just by the parameters of my visa.

And so my day went on from there. I can't say that it ever got any better, but I felt better after work, in that it was behind me and I had another weekend ahead of me. 

With that, I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be a day when I'm positive about more things than I'm not. 

3 of my not-so-favorite things

I'm not liking the new iOS right now. The installation was sloppy and I feel like I'm missing half my apps. Oh, and I don't like change. 

I'm depressed about the sad state of politics in the US. Between our love of guns and disregard for the poor, i think we're in a terrible place. WJWn'tD. 

I don't like hipsters. Unfortunately, Berlin is full of them. But with every succeeding day, they convince me more and more that they're just a bunch of white, poorly-dressed, unaware-of-their-own-privilege hypocrites. 

Progress is imperfect

Day two of my second weekend was ok-productive.  I studied more of the vocabulary for the GRE, and tried my hand with the analytical essays.  That was thoroughly depressing.  Just the thought of writing critical essays again made me shake in my boots, and of course then I extend that to grad school in general and I have a genuine freak-out.  I might have felt better had I moderately succeeded in even writing out the bullet points for a argument, but as I didn't, I didn't feel better either.

I got a letter from a friend today who I've been corresponding with concerning programs at Georgetown (yeah, I know, a little too ambitious), which did make me feel a bit better.  Not necessarily about getting into Georgetown (I'm not really considering it at this point), but about grad school in general and my freaking out about the GRE.  Of course, she said something like "don't worry about it because not only do a lot of schools not value it to a great degree, but you can also take it over again and submit your best score."  Well, yes.  I think I took the SAT three times, with the same score in the 2nd and 3rd.  Not only do I not have the time to take the GRE multiple times, but I don't have the money either, at nearly $200 a pop.  Right now, I'd rather invest that same money in a coat for the winter.  I'll probably need it more than a good GRE score.

I'm not working that much in the next week.  Although I'm bummed about what will be the lack of money, I also know I desperately need that time to get my sh*t together.  My list is long, and it only gets longer.  I've only just begun.

Weekend Number 2

I worked yesterday, and now I get a second weekend. This is good, as B. is now working again which helps me to sit down and get down to business too. 

I can't say I feel much better today, but at least I got a little further. Tomorrow maybe I'll get further still.  And I got a letter written today that I've been meaning to write for months, which in a way, was the best part of my day. 

Did I mention that B. and his dad finalized their plans for India?  Tickets are bought and everything.  I guess now I can really start thinking how I can make the most of my month without him.  Last night I got an invitation for Thanksgiving, since he'll be gone for that, at a friend's house whose parent live here in Berlin too. It's nice to know I have somewhere to go, even though I think that B. and I might celebrate again once he gets back. 

I'm worried about him though, and his exam. He took a big hit last week, and he's really having a hard time moving past it, and I'm totally clueless as to the best way to support him. I know he appreciates my efforts even when he probably doesn't find them too helpful or inspiring. But I do wish I could do or say something that could help push him through this last phase. Maybe this is how he feels every time he tries to help me with my career issues?  Is this a taste of my own medicine?

But I know these are the type if struggles that are making us stronger as a couple, precisely because we might not be sure how to best support the other, but we support each other nonetheless. 

Downer day

Today my confidence took a bit of a hit.  Rather, every time I start to get down to business and look into grad school options, my confidence hits rock bottom.  I feel like I'm already too stupid to ask questions, because I'm asking the sort of questions I should already know the answer too - either because I should already be further along in my research, or because I should already know those things, period, if I want to consider further education.

I feel inarticulate (this post is probably proving my point) and lost, and I feel like I convey that in my quest.  Sitting down to write emails to professors, program heads, friends, I feel like I'll lose more than gain.

I can't say I came out of college feeling like I was the smartest kid in the class - I was sometimes painfully aware of that.  But in the 5 years since, I feel like whatever minimal confidence I had about the skills I had to offer the world, has disappeared.

I have no hope for competing against either incoming recent undergrads or those who have been working for the past 5 years in a related field.  After working a year at a language school and a university, which I can hardly call teaching as it is, I'm also forced to admit that what I did for two years in Spain was a far cry from any of it.  So, given my last 5.5 years since graduation, how can I prop up my limited and unrelated experience for grad school.

Yuck.  It's just so hard to believe that I'm good for doing anything except for what I'm doing right now. And I hate what I'm doing right now.

And I know I need to force myself to do these things, to ask these questions, to reach out, despite having the repulsion to do so.  Because I know that's the only way I'll get anywhere.  And I'm hoping that maybe, along the way, a kernel of confidence might grow inside again.

Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

This is an intervention, for our dear solar star, The Sun.

You are getting far too indolent of recent, and it's really getting to be a problem. Now, it's starting to impact your family here in the northern hemisphere of planet Earth. 

Ive been noticing that for the last few months, you've been rising later and later, and then going to bed earlier and earlier. Not only that, but some days, it seems like you don't bother getting up at all.  I'm afraid that this trend will become habit, and before you or any of us realize it, it's been 6 months and we've barely seen you at all. 

So, I hope this goes to show, how much we care about you and how much we love you, to want you to be a daily part of our lives.  Please get up, please stick around. Because life's just not quite as much fun without your warmth.

One half of a prefect weekend.

Today was a marvelously relaxing day. 

B. took another day off and we had a late breakfast before exploring the city today. The sun was out and shining brilliantly, so I think it would have been senseless for either of us to stay in, regardless of how much we each had to do. 

So we zig-zagged our way through, first with the bus that goes around the touristy parts of the city, and then with the ring-bahn, to come back through Ku-damm. After getting back home, B. stayed for a bit and I went to the park to bask in the sunlight for an hour before he joined me again for another short stroll. We got cake on our way home and then contemplated going out to eat lunch-dinner, but then just decided on homemade lasagne, since we had everything for it (we keep a stockpile of Bolognese sauce frozen in such dire pasta cases). And it was delicious.  While it was cooking, B. watching a game and finally explained to me the difference between the First League and Champions League in soccer. We're saving the cake for later, since we ate so much lasagne. 

I know I should probably feel worse about not getting much done today.  But I also figured that since my work week is relatively slow next week, I'd have lots of time to be productive then. It does actually bother me that I'm not more disturbed by my lack of productivity, in a time where I'm already short of the minutes I need to even accomplish my short term goals. I'm bothered because I'm not more bothered. But, I figure, with the season changing, I'll have plenty of time to force myself to sit indoors and be productive. But I suppose that sounds like every other procrastinator. 

But then, it's not every day that Berlin is blessed with such beautiful weather. Seize the day.

Wishing for an eternal, sunny, weekend

This is the biggest TGIF ever!  

School felt longer today that usual. I probably looked at my clock no less than 15 times in a 20 minute interval. 

And then the rest of the evening consisted of grocery shopping and vegging out in front of the tv catching up on series and watching a movie. B. had a kind of breakdown today over his studies (he got a bad mark on one of his practice exams) so he was in the mood to lounge with me. Tomorrow we'll get down to business again. It might be the last day of sun for like the next two weeks, so I'm going to also see what I can get done outside. And maybe even be social too. 

At least next week should be a lot easier. It sucks for the money, but I don't get anything else done when I works such crazy hours. And today, after being wrist-slapped by my boss for the dumbest of things, was another good motivational tool for me to try and get the heck out of there. 

Breaking the mold

It never occurred to me that Germans were the hugging sort. But after a few instances where I've had acquaintances-burgeoning-on-friends initiate hugs at times I normally wouldn't have, it wouldn't have expected them to, I'm beginning to think my assumption might be wrong. Of course, you're probably thinking that I, a person who rarely reaches out for physical comfort or affection, of course wouldn't expect others to do what simply wouldn't occur to me. But I honest-to-God thought that Germans were the sort of emotionally distant people that wouldn't reach out for a hug without intimately knowing the person they embrace. 

But I guess it's another example of how people will surprise you. 

Oh yeah.  And assumptions are often wrong. 

A little more time, nothing more done

I have an evening off tonight.  It feels so nice not to get home after dark.  Of course now, daylight is changing so much that "after dark" isn't that late anymore (but still late enough).

I haven't gotten any work done this week outside of teaching, and I don't see myself having the energy or desire once the weekend comes along to do any then either.  I wish I had the motivation to stay up late, wake up early, spend my weekends and spare moments studying, researching.

Maybe it's because I don't see it going anywhere yet.  So many of my attempts have failed in the passed.  Then again, many of my attempts weren't exactly vigorous.

I know that nothing good ever happens without lots of sweat and hard work.  I think of you - I know you put in a lot of work to find your job during Oxy, and you work really hard now for what you have.  And I look at Bosse - I know he put in a lot of hard work to figure out what he was going to do with his life, and now that he's on his path, he works diligently.  My problem is still finding the path.  And I've been hoping to stumble on it for so long that I doubt my ability to find it, even though one my call my efforts pathetic (because, let's face it, they have consisted of moving from thing to thing, place to place, avoiding the responsibility of finding a stable job because I've hoped that through all my journeys it would fall into my lap, as most other brilliant ideas in my life did).

I know I need to work.  But now I also feel like I lack the ability and knowledge to do so.  I don't know how to look for the path.  And now I feel like my attempts have been so feeble that I don't feel like I can legitimately ask for help.  And who would I even ask anyway?  And how do I ask?  What do I ask?  Can you tell me what I'm meant to do?  What you think I should do?

I envy those people who knew with such conviction from an early(er) age what they were going to do, what path they were going to follow.  I won't be so naive as to believe all those people are inevitably happier than I, but I do believe there's an invaluable sense of security that comes with such conviction.
I find my self lacking security, conviction.  The disconnect lies in the fact that for as much as I envy those things, I also lack the motivation to pursue them.

It would seem that I'm acting against my own best interests, which doesn't make much sense.  And I'm not sure where that leaves me, except still hoping that a map out of these woods falls from the sky.

Is it only Tuesday?

Today was a long day.  I got home about 12 hours after I left this morning.

And I'm feeling like I've been too much working and sitting and eating, and not enough running and exercising.  I haven't felt/been this heavy in a few years (I think/I feel), so I think I need to crack down. The German beer this summer, combined with guests and events have been killing my waist line.

Yeah...  So hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to get out for a run.

Or get to the gym.  Because it's probably raining, again, tomorrow.

LOVE this weather.

not

ok, I'm tired and irritated.  can you tell?

As my eyes close...

Today I had a class for the last time. It's always weird. I started with these two girls back in March. And now for the last 5 months, I've seen them most Mondays. 

They were my age. And seeing them every week was nice. But also a little unfortunate because I knew that these girls could be people I'd like to be friends with, but I couldn't because I had met them through Berlitz. 

But, in that way, they were a weekly inspiration to find friends that I could have. 

So now I won't see them anymore, but at least I have a couple more budding girlfriends on the side. I guess that's progress. 

Before bed...

Another weekend has passed, without much of any consequence being accomplished.

I did meet with friends.  Or people of whom I'm trying to become friends with.  So, maybe that can count for something.

---

Also, I'm sooooo not ready for autumn.  Tomorrow is cold and rainy and the leaves are starting to fall.  I think I'll buy my winter jacket this week with my August bonus.

Walking to the store...

Can I start my life over?

Can I start it again, knowing what I know now, what things I wish I had and hadn't done.  Meanwhile, I would like to still know all (most?) the people I know now but be infinitely more successful.  Whatever that means.