A little more time, nothing more done

I have an evening off tonight.  It feels so nice not to get home after dark.  Of course now, daylight is changing so much that "after dark" isn't that late anymore (but still late enough).

I haven't gotten any work done this week outside of teaching, and I don't see myself having the energy or desire once the weekend comes along to do any then either.  I wish I had the motivation to stay up late, wake up early, spend my weekends and spare moments studying, researching.

Maybe it's because I don't see it going anywhere yet.  So many of my attempts have failed in the passed.  Then again, many of my attempts weren't exactly vigorous.

I know that nothing good ever happens without lots of sweat and hard work.  I think of you - I know you put in a lot of work to find your job during Oxy, and you work really hard now for what you have.  And I look at Bosse - I know he put in a lot of hard work to figure out what he was going to do with his life, and now that he's on his path, he works diligently.  My problem is still finding the path.  And I've been hoping to stumble on it for so long that I doubt my ability to find it, even though one my call my efforts pathetic (because, let's face it, they have consisted of moving from thing to thing, place to place, avoiding the responsibility of finding a stable job because I've hoped that through all my journeys it would fall into my lap, as most other brilliant ideas in my life did).

I know I need to work.  But now I also feel like I lack the ability and knowledge to do so.  I don't know how to look for the path.  And now I feel like my attempts have been so feeble that I don't feel like I can legitimately ask for help.  And who would I even ask anyway?  And how do I ask?  What do I ask?  Can you tell me what I'm meant to do?  What you think I should do?

I envy those people who knew with such conviction from an early(er) age what they were going to do, what path they were going to follow.  I won't be so naive as to believe all those people are inevitably happier than I, but I do believe there's an invaluable sense of security that comes with such conviction.
I find my self lacking security, conviction.  The disconnect lies in the fact that for as much as I envy those things, I also lack the motivation to pursue them.

It would seem that I'm acting against my own best interests, which doesn't make much sense.  And I'm not sure where that leaves me, except still hoping that a map out of these woods falls from the sky.