First night

I hated coming home tonight to a dark empty apartment. And I hate the thought of going to bed without him. 

Maybe these mext few weeks are going to be longer than I thought. 

Boo hoo hoo.

Well. I guess I failed first. Kudos to Marina. I'll be sending you something soon. I wish I even had a good excuse. But I don't. I think I has fallen asleep last night when watching tv, and didn't think about anything besides crawling into bed after brushing my teeth. 

B finished his exams yesterday. I didn't finish work until a few hours after, so we celebrated then. Well, celebrated would be an exaggeration. We did go out to dinner at a new restaurant. But B seemed a bit preoccupied, and he didn't really care to talk about it, and I didn't care to press him on it and worsen his mood. We took our little champaign bottles that I got for him/us, and we toasted in front of the courthouse where he took his exams (something I was unable to do right after he finished earlier in the day). It was good. I think I'm definitely more relieved that they're done than he is. But now it's just the waiting game. And then I might also be more nervous than him too. 

So today I saw the Hertie School and asked some questions. I don't know if I feel any better or differently, because I still feel a bit vague on the whole "what is a degree in Public Policy" thing. So my mission is still incomplete. Which means, besides still studying for and taking the GRE later this month, I have to still figure out where I'll be applying. Hell, WHAT I'll be applying for. Oh gosh.  Every time I think about it, I'm still really overwhelmed. 

But I guess it makes it so that these next weeks without B will go by quickly because I have so much to keep myself occupied with. But I'll still miss him terribly. 

Two steps back...

I talked to B's sister last night. She looked at Hertie's website and wasn't impressed. She said it didn't mean much, but that it might mean something. It got me down. I thought it might have been a really good option. I suppose it's still an option, but maybe not as good as I thought.  I appreciate her help.  I just didn't need to hear that. Or maybe I did. Wednesday I go in to talk to them and to audit a class (did I mention that already?).  I'm not as excited as before, but now I'm super interested in what they might say to sell me on it. 

I (re)did a couple GREmath sets today. The first one I got a lower score the second time around. The second one I got a perfect score - the first on since I've started studying this. I don't think it means that much, being that it was a set that I've already done once. But I finally felt like I had a gain. And I need a few of those. 

Not-ready-for-Monday Blues

That was the fastest weekend ever.  Friday evening seriously seems like just a moment ago. And I'm not ready for this week to start.  I'm not ready for next month. My list of "to-dos" is already intimidating. 

Saturday blues.

It was lesson planning and cleaning today. I appreciate that he doesn't want to leave me with a dirty apartment to clean by myself. Hopefully tomorrow it'll be snuggly time. I'm going to miss him next month. 

Yummy weekend

B arranged a French cooking class tonight.  It was nice and something different. 

No plans yet for the weekend. But it's the last one before he leaves for the month. So I just want time with him. 

4 down. 3 more to go.

Better. Today was better. But there's still a long way to go before it's great. 

I got a date with the Hertie School. That's great I guess. 

Now decided if I want to say goodbye to B two days earlier before he leaves on his trip. I must be the must indecisive person ever. I hate that about myself. 

Ugh

Rough doesn't even cut it. 

Terrible day at work. Missed every stop on my way home. And now I can't even get B. to look me in the eyes. Don't know what's going on with him and he won't let me in. 

Tomorrow's another day. But I'm not looking forward to it. 

Forwards and backwards

Today I saw the school that I've been looking at. It's funny because I when I found it, it was just next door to the school where I work, no telling how many times I've passed it before. Hopefully next week I can schedule a tour, sit in on one of the classes, and sit down and talk with someone. 

Either way. Today it occurred to me that if for some reason school didn't work out for next fall, I would have to find another job. The job has really got me down recently. And I just know that there MUST be some job in this city that I could get, even with my (non-existent) German. 

Getting the ball rolling again.. In the middle of a sand trap.

I went in to talk to a professor at Humboldt today. Got some of my questions answered, but don't feel much better about the bigger picture. I still haven't even signed up for my GRE yet. Don't know what I'm waiting for. I have to do it soon. And I know I'm not prepared enough for it too. 

There's so much to be said for momentum. Once you lose it, it's so hard to get back on track. I feel that way about my studying (I feel like I was doing ok before Bosse's folks and then my dad came) and then thinking about how much I've lost being out of school for so long. Do I have any hope of serving in academia (assuming that I can actually get back into academia).  I want to get that momentum back. But I just don't know what it will take. And maybe I'm afraid of what I might have to give up to get there. 

Where'd the day go?

So much for ambition. Yet another day of nearly nothing. 

But I do get to be grateful for new friends. Even if they are leaving for the next three months. 

And I have 3 operas to look forward to in winter. 

Cheers

Day 0, Katie 0. 

Here's to getting nothing done. 

One down. Six more to go.

Tomorrow, I hope to get down to business again. I might even go for a run. The first in too long. I want to start getting into the routine again because I want to work out like a storm when Bs gone (show how well I can do when he's not being a bad influence and I drastically reduce my pork consumption :) ).  And studying. Lots and lots of studying. And research. Lots and lots of research. 

Blah. What are weekends for other than to get your life together?

Lions and tigers and bears.

It turned out to be a wonderful Autumn day at the zoo, perfectly timed between rain showers. We watched the polar bears, the gorillas, the orangutans, the tigers. I hope all that helped B take his mind off the next 12 days ahead. I think it helped me a little bit too. And it was especially nice to do something with him before he leaves next month (since time after the exam will be swift and likely with family).

And now bed. For a hopefully a restful night. 

It all comes down to this.

B's done studying. Tomorrow we go to the zoo. Friday is judgement day. Or rather, the first of 7. 

Keep good, calm, focused thoughts!

The cost of a future

Off topic: I feel like I'm getting better at this whole "thinking-on-my-feet" teaching thing.  The last few weeks I've had successful classes that included totally spontaneous  parts of the lesson.

I came home and looked at more programs.  I think I'm looking at Public Policy/Public Affairs programs.  Sometimes I'm just astonished by the cost of school in the US.  Even as an international student, attending school here is cheaper than in the states - even in LONDON.  Ok, granted I haven't done all the math.  But, after the conversion, tuition at LSE is $35k; at University of Chicago it's over $46.  It's possible that living in London is $10k more a year than in Chicago but I'm not convinced.  At the Hertie School of Governance it's somewhere between 13 and 25 thousand euros for the whole program.  In Italy, it's 8k.  My parents were wonderful to take on such a big financial burden for my undergraduate education, because I can't fathom doing that for grad school.  I guess I've never been that convinced of my success after school that I'd take on so much under my own name.  Then again, maybe if I had more financial risk riding on my success, I'd push myself a bit harder.  Who knows?  But it also doesn't seem like a wise way to find out.

Karma

I've been thinking a bit about karma recently.

This week, the she-devil incarnate opened up her new bakery in downtown Phoenix.  I can just picture the numbers of people flocking there to support her and her expanded business.

And I can't help but feel bitter.  Maybe if I felt like I had more going for me it wouldn't even be on my top 100 things to cross my mind.

But as it is, I just think of the misery she created for her employees, including myself.  And then I think, how can someone that's just so downright terrible have such great success?  Where is the comeuppance?  In many ways, she's a great example of the ass holes out there that do even more damage because they have more power or more money, because maybe they decided to be an investment banker instead of a chef.  It's within that context that I can understand the evil in the world.

And as we saw with many of the tyrants that destroyed the world economy, with great power comes equally powerful friends that will get you off and you'll never have to "pay" for your deeds.  At least not in this existence.

And then, there's the karma that I have to believe in.  No, she might live out the rest of her life believing herself to be god's gift to mankind and never ever being aware of the tears and fear and anxiety she caused.  But hopefully, in her next life, or in the next existence, she'll be painfully aware.  I don't mean to imply that I hope she suffers, because I don't want to believe that anyone suffers either. But I hope she eventually knows the hurt she inflicted, and that she will eventually feel remorse. 

Because in turn, I also want to believe that people who are good and giving will be equally "rewarded."  

A bit of a pick me up

I found my empowerment song today: Roar, by Katy Perry.  I know what you're thinking: how can an over-produced pop song possibly be empowering?  Well, I must admit that it was the catchy tune that first hooked me, but then I started listening to the lyrics and I could help but feel motivated.  If it had been earlier in the day, I would have loaded it onto my iPod and gone for a run with the song on repeat.  As it was, I just listened to it as I did school/program research.

Here's the video, and here are the lyrics (edited for brevity, and annoying "oh's")

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire

Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

You're gonna hear me roar!

Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire

Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

I think of the person who "held me down" as myself.  But I don't want to keep holding myself down, or back.   I really need to brush this think layer of dust off. Because I want to be strong, and loud, and proud.  I want to shake up the place and I want to stand for something.  I just need to stay focused on my goals, even if I'm not entirely sure where that will take me at the moment, I know the person I want to be.  

Back to "work" and none the better for it.

I did a little more program research today and feel a bit more confused at the moment, and feel like I'm at that point that I come to after every time I think I've found a path: panic and run the other direction, fast.  The deeper I get, the more lost I feel. How that happens, I don't know. 

Quiet day

And now here it is. What I've been waiting for all week: a weekend without guests. 

B and I enjoyed the Festival of Lights tonight spur of the moment. It was cut a little short by the rain coming back again, but I'm really glad we had a chance to see it together. 

Tomorrow I think I'll try to sit down and study/work for the first time in nearly 2 (or more?) weeks. Hopefully if won't end in a breakdown. 

So much love

A great day indeed. So grateful for those in my life that made it extra special. 

Is it Friday yet?

Tonight, I got home and B had a personal sauna waiting for me, complete with eucalyptus oils and mint tea.  It couldn't have been nicer.  I feel a little bit better.  

I'm not ready to reflect on being older yet.  Because I'm definitely not in a good state to do that.  

The only thing I'm ready for is the weekend.  

I wish I had sick days

This cold B. gave me is the best birthday gift EVER.

not.

Perfect start of the week, NOT

Aaaaaaand now I'm sick.

Bravo Katie.  Bravo.

First weekend I'm excited for the end.

A little drama today. I love my dad, but he  does things that just make it clear why I feel closer with my mom. He just doesn't think of my feelings the way she does. I suppose I shouldn't take it personally. I think he would do the same things to others. But it still hurts nonetheless. 

I've never felt this way about a weekend before:

"Is it only Saturday?"

Day 2

Day 2 was without any of the drama of day 1, thank goodness. I'm enjoying the time with my dad and wish I could have some solo time with him, although his lady their does bring some more subjects of conversation that we often lack. B is still sick, so he's still not even able to join us for dinner, which is a huge bummer. But, I guess all in all, it's going better than I expected. But I can't exactly say we've broached any deep subjects. So, with the shallow stuff, it's been ok thus far.

Tomorrow is a tour, brunch, and the opera. Hoping B feels better, for him and for me. 

Serenity came, in the end.

The day finished better than it started. That's always a good sign I suppose.  I guess my prayers for peace and tranquility were answered in the end. I'm less anxious than before, but still not totally at ease.  

Tomorrow is Potsdam.  

Wish me luck. 

Doomsday

My dad and his new wife arrive in the morning. 

Ugh.

I'm so not ready for this. I thought I was, but now it doesn't feel like it. 

Oh well. This should be interesting. 

Some happy things today

Today I saw a vine that had turned the same color red as the window panes it was next to. The vine covered one of the walls of this apartment complex, so one wall was just completely, leafy red. This made me happy, for some reason 

So did the little black husky puppy I passed on the way home today. 

Yesterday I had a really good class with a couple of 11 year olds. It made me feel like a good teacher. And that made me happy. 

Clean sheets are hanging aroubd our apartment drying and they smell wonderful. This made me happy. 

I finally put labels on my spice jars. And that makes me happy. 

Tomorrow I have the day off. That makes me really happy.