Done and DONE

Test is done. 

B is home. 

Life is goooooood. 

Twenty-fifth night

Tomorrow's the big day. I think I care more about the fact that B's home tomorrow than about the test. My priorities might be a little screwy, I admit. 

I tried to wear myself out enough today that I'll sleep soundly tonight, regardless of the multiple sources of jitters. Either way, these last few weeks have taught me that I can function marvelously well on less sleep than I ever thought before. 

Wanting to skip the next 15 hours. Where's a time machine when you want one?

Twenty-fourth night

Today was the final push.  Though I don't know how much of a "push" it was.  I did a full timed test.  Took a long lunch break where I took time to put away all the papers that had gathered in my pile(s).  I then did another test, but without the essays, and just timed each section rather than the whole thing.  I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that nearly all the mistakes I was making were pretty stupid.  Hopefully I'll be able to mitigate that on the actual test.

Tonight I just tried to do little house chores.  Tomorrow: cleaning, cake baking, self-pampering.  And no alarm clock.

And in less than 48 hours, he'll be back.

Twenty-third night

I don't think I've felt this fried since college.

Then again, I probably haven't studied this much since college.  What a (not) nice preview of what two years of grad school will be like!

Questioning everything in... 3...2...1...

Twenty-second night

Didn't get much done at all today in terms of studying.  Since I had a class and a doctor's appointment today, I already knew it was going to be a more challenging day to focus.  So I worked out, went to work, checked out the testing center, got home, ate, doctors appointment, grocery shopping, and then studying, starting at nearly 6pm.  Then I thought that since I hadn't gotten much sleep the last couple of nights, I might try and hit the sack early (DON'T want to get sick!) and just get a really good full productive day in tomorrow.  I do have a meeting at work, though it's only an hour.  And I've made late night dinner plans with a friend.  Then I have all day saturday.  And then hopefully, a day of rest before the exam.  I get nervous just thinking about it.  I really did wish I had a chance to retake this thing.  Then again, I also know that it's too expensive to do that, so I'm glad I don't even have the temptation.  I could do a lot of regretting of all the studying I didn't do, but that won't get me anywhere.  I'm just going to do my best given what I've done.  Eeeeeeek!

Twenty-first night

I'm feeling a bit tepid about it all, and at this point (tonight), I don't care.  I'm going to do how I'm going to do.  And there's probably not a lot I can do about it now.  I'll keep working, because at the very least it might calm my jitters on the day off.  But I'm done aiming for any sort of number.

It occurred to me that in a week, this will all be over.  Actually, it will already be so far behind me I'll already be moving on to the next plan of action.  I don't know whether that's a relief or just overwhelming.

At least he'll be back by then to help me, calm me.

Twentieth night

This afternoon/evening was definitely more productive than this morning.  Although, when I listed all that I had done today, it didn't really look like much in the end.  I did a short practice test - 2 timed math sections and 2 timed verbal sections, and then reviewed all my answers.  I also did 2 essays.  And I went through my math sets from last week, looking for any rules or notes that I made to consolidate them and then made a list of all the questions I got wrong.  I'm hoping to go through those in the new few days and do them again, hopefully with better results this time.  

I also called the testing company because I was trying to figure out how they do the whole score-sending thing.  Turns out, with your fee of $185, you get 4 free reports sent to institutions of your choosing.  But they're only free if you select which schools on the actual day of the test.  Say, you don't know any or only know a couple, then if you want to report them later, it's an additional $25 per school.  Ugh.  I absolutely hate paying into a system that's totally corrupt.  There's no administrative reason, that I can think of, that it would be more money to send results after taking the test.  It's all done online anyway.  So anyway, what that means for me is I'll probably end up shoveling more money over to them in the end because I don't quite have my shit together to know which schools I'm applying to yet.  I mean, I can put in three schools now because those are my guesses.  But because I'm not sure of anything yet, and probably won't be by Monday, I'll probably end up paying if I do apply to a program that I might decide to apply to later on.  But that kind of dilemma is pretty unavoidable for anyone who takes the test, so really, it's just them ripping off a portion of the population that can barely pay for it in the first place.  It just infuriates me.

Tonight's issue essay was a doozie, although, I might have pulled out something OK in the end (I didn't read the solution yet, but I'll do that tomorrow).  The prompt was: "The fact that technology is outpacing the needs of those in cultures that can afford the technology creates cultures of excess consumerism."  I just kind of stared at it for a while.  I wrote something that may or may not have been on topic.  Sometimes these questions - even the objective math ones - seem pretty confusing.  I'm sure it's just me, but it just doesn't seem right for such an exam.

Nineteenth night

In less than a week now, he will be crawling into bed next to me.  Just where he's supposed to be.

Today I did a full length practice test.  I improved a lot on the math from my last practice test - I was up in the 96th percentile!  In verbal, I stayed in the 89th, which is fine by me (although it would be cool to be in the 90th percentile for both).  Of course, that's given that I still do well on the writing, which I have yet to know what my score could potentially be on that.

I didn't get much done after work besides reviewing the test.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I get some more math done, and practice probability, combination, permutation, because that's still where I'm not doing very well.  The good thing about most of the questions I got wrong is that I was on the right track and either stalled or ran out of time.  But I definitely need to keep practicing.

B told me that of course he wants to travel India with me, but has a hard time saying that he "wished I was there" because he thinks it would be unfair to his dad.  Although I disagree that saying that he wished I was there doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't wish he was there with his dad, I still understand what he means and he's a good man for it.  Better than I.

Tomorrow he's on the road and on the train at night.  We won't have the opportunity to Skype tomorrow which makes me sad, but I guess that might help to distract me less.  But I like the distraction.

Eighteenth night

I got my two math sets done today.  I also got 4 essays done.  My second set was definitely better than my first.  I hate doing them though.  I think I'm ok with the "argument" essays.  It's the issue essays that are difficult for me.  I don't know if it would be better to try and read example essays (but I've had a hard time finding them…) rather than just practicing them and reading their "solutions" afterwards.  Tomorrow I only have the kids class in the early afternoon, so I'll have a good part of the day to keep studying.  I think I'll keep going over the math problems, especially in the sections that are most difficult for me like probability and combinations. 

I didn't actually go outside at all today.  I know this probably isn't very good, but I have little desire when the weather isn't very good and I have enough to keep me distracted indoors.  

B and I had a tense evening.  He called to talk and told me about this experience they had with one of the markets and that they suspected that they were ripped off and they wanted to investigate the next day.  Because the connection was bad, and I had a hard time understanding why it truly mattered (because they were leaving and couldn't do anything if indeed they had been ripped off), I inadvertently put him on the defensive.  Even after changing subjects, he was in a bad mood, so I just got off the phone.  Afterwards he apologized for being in such a way.  And then he sent me some pictures that got me really sad because they made me so envious that I wasn't there with him.  Traveling with him has to be one of my favorite things in the wold, and part of the joy of traveling with him is experiencing new things together.  So, even if we were to go back, an element of this would be lost for me.  I also got worried that after hearing some of his stories that he would come home and not really want to go back (an anxiety I've had from the beginning, mostly because a) he likes to always go to new places and b) he tends to be stubborn).  So, I've already had to check these places he's been off of places I might go with him, and sure, India's big, but it's just kind of sad nonetheless.  He doesn't really get that.  His response is "India's a big country."  I don't disagree, but I want to see the Taj Mahal too.  And I wanted to see it with him.  As I've told him before, there were a lot of other places too I probably couldn't care less that he was exploring without me.  But since I always had such a strong desire to go to India, this did penetrate me a bit more, and felt a bit like a loss.  He and his dad have been planned this nearly as long as we've been going out, and I would never want to deny him an experience with his family.  So I constantly found myself conflicted on the issue.  And apparently I still do.  It's completely awful and selfish to say, but I think the best thing for me to hear when he get's back is "I'm sorry.  I wish I had done that trip with you instead."

This especially because I have felt this whole time that he didn't yearn for me to be there with him the same way I yearned to be there.  He always told me that he missed me and thought about me a lot, but to me, this did not equate to "and I wish you were here" (in my anxiety, I even went back and looked at old emails, of which he's very sweet and misses me a lot, thinks about me tons, but never once says that he wished for me to be there).   And I think he would say that I was wrong - that he did say it or that my assumptions were false.  But when I mentioned tonight that I was just so envious and wished so badly I was there, there was a long pause.  After telling him that I sensed I upset him, he said no, and then said that "of course" he wanted me to be there too.  I think this was the first time he said such a thing in the time that he's been gone.  It made me feel better, a little.  But for some reason it didn't ease all my anxiety (probably because it felt provoked).  I will never know to what degree our feelings will concur on anything, including this.  And why this is even so important to me also baffles me.

I think it's that ultimately, I don't care that he went on this trip without me.  But I do want him to care that he did it and to (hopefully) come to the conclusion that it's not experience he'd like to repeat.  

Ugh.  I feel crazy and selfish.  

Seventeenth night

Today wasn't great.  I woke up early to have a cup of coffee with B's mom before she left and never went back to bed.  I worked on my math sets, which I think due to my exhaustion, took me a really long time.  By the time I was finally finished, I talked with a friend for nearly and hour and a half.  After that, I did a short work out, showered and had lunch.  Then I tried to work again, but I just couldn't focus on the Standard Deviation set I was working on.  I switched to a different topic, but only made it halfway through before I met a friend for coffee.  By the time I left, I was in a foul mood.  I was mad that B was still away on on vacation while I'm just working and studying and having no fun.  I was mad that I didn't feel like I was making progress.  I was mad that I still had 8 more compete days, sunrise to sunset, before this was all over.  I was mad that I had to change some plans around, and ask for different days off at work, of which I'm not getting much of because of this stupid exam.  I was just mad mad mad.

I felt a bit better after meeting my friend.  We speak in Spanish together (she's from Spain), and after speaking with her I often feel badly because I feel like I've forgotten so much.  Fortunately today wasn't so much the case, so I left feeling confident and also happy I got out of the house and saw a friend.  I was (re)energized enough that when I got back I was able to finish the math set I had started before I left.

But I still finished the day without accomplishing most of the goals I had set out for the day.  That's a bummer.  I'm way behind on my essays.  Maybe tomorrow I can catch up.  But I'm still not feeling hopeful about much.  Especially as my neighbor turns his music up louder and I can envision a sleepless night ahead of me.

Sixteenth night

TGIF.

When I got home today, B's mom and I sat and talked over a long lunch for nearly 2 hours.  Then I went to talk to B, but the call was dropped after 20 minutes.  I freaked out because then I didn't get any texts or responses to my texts.  I knew that there was a perfectly good reason that he didn't respond that didn't leave him in peril, but my mind still runs wild.  Finally, 5 hours later, I got a text confirming my suspicions: he had just fallen asleep in the few minute interim.

I didn't get my essays done again today, but I did get my math done.

Tomorrow B's mom leaves.  I'm a bit sad about that because it's just so nice to not come home to an empty apartment: to say "hi" to someone waiting for you to come back. She left me a wealth of wonderful food in the freezer.  I'm so grateful that she gave her time this week to help me and to be such amazing company.

And now we're left with less than 10 days now.  But it might as well be 100 for how long it still feels.

Fifteenth night

I didn't get much done in terms of studying today.  My head was/is so tired between working and studying this week.

I finished the math set I nearly had finished yesterday and then did another one.  This one took me a long time, as it was one of my weakest areas.  

It's questions like "If Car A and Car B travel simultaneously from opposite ends of a 400-yard track, how long and Car A is going x feet per second and Car B is going y feet per second, when will they crash? " or "If 12 workers pack 60 boxes in 9 minutes, how many minutes would it take 27 workers to pack 180 boxes?"  

There are some formulas that you can use, but sometimes it's best to draw tables and such, and well, I feel like I'm learning some of this for the first time.  I think I'll have to rehash it over the weekend, depending on how well I do on my other remaining subjects.

I didn't get any essays done either.

I'm feeling a bit blah to say the least.  Actually, I don't even have enough energy to feel blah.

Fourteenth day

I finally wrote my 4 essays in one day.  One of them I totally read wrong and probably would have gotten a failing score on it had it been the real deal.  But then, maybe I argued whatever point I thought I was making so good, it wouldn't have mattered.

I also almost got an extra math section done beyond my daily goal too.

B's mom is here.  She arrived late last night.  It's really nice to have someone in the house, although I do feel a bit guilty she's here just to take care of me.  She's such a nice lady that she would never hold it against you though.  And she's already cooked two wonderful meals.  In fact, lunch was so much bigger than probably what I had been eating in a single day by myself that I was hardly hungry for dinner when she made it later.  But it too was yummy, so I ate it.

Tomorrow I work 8 units and come home.  Hopefully I'll get in 2 more math sections (plus finish the one I nearly did tonight) and another couple essays.  I might even pay to get them scored, or maybe do that over the weekend.  But then, it probably doesn't matter too much at this point, and might not be worth even spending a single dollar extra.

So tired.  So ready for the weekend.  So ready for the 25th.

Thirteenth night

Ok.  I think we've finally passed the halfway point.  After this night at least.

Although I didn't get the 4 essays done (I only got 2 done today), I got 5 math sections done.  I don't know why, but it's really difficult to motivate myself to practice those essays.  Probably because A) they might not be worth as much and B) it's hard to actually see/feel the reward of working for them.  Math I can, because I can get swifter and I'm remembering things better and learning more of my bind spots.  But when I'm writing essays that don't have a right or wrong answer, and it's impossible to know what kind of grade they would get (without paying), it's just really difficult to want to do them.

But I do have another 4 on my game plan tomorrow.  Maybe I'll get into the swing of it and do them all in a row.  That's probably how I have to motivate myself - to just get it done.

So glad I don't have that extra class tomorrow.  That means I'm home before lunch and I have the rest of the day to study.

My hands are starting to hurt from all the writing.  It really brings me back to my school days (and is a preview of what's to come?)  And my butt and back hurt from sitting in that chair all day. I don't know how B. sat and wrote for nearly a year day in and day out.  I can hardly conceive of doing it for 3 weeks, and I'm even working in the mean time.

12 more days.  Just 12 more days and this waiting game is all over.

Twelfth night

Now we're down to less than two weeks.  Before the test.  Before B comes home.  Of course on one account, it couldn't come fast enough.  On the other, I'm not ready (except for it to be over with).

Surprisingly, despite working 9 units today, I got done 2 math problem sets and 2 essays - although I have yet to review my answers for them.

I tried to give away my class on Wednesday, but so far, no eligible takers.  And I told the secretary that for next week I had to limit my hours.

I finally had a problem set where I felt like I knew the principles behind it.  Phew.  But I'm hoping that just by practicing it so much in the time leading up to the test, things are going to come quickly, naturally - like primes, and multiples, and patters and formulas - which will help me save time and get more questions right.  By the time I finish this, I suspect that I will have done over 1,000 different math problems in about 12 days.  If that doesn't help at least a little, I don't know what will.

Eleventh night

I didn't get everything done on my list today. But I got done with I think the things that matter the most - the math sections and preparing for my current job. Hopefully tomorrow I'll still get in a decent amount, despite working 9 units. I'll be able to stay up late because I don't work at all on Tuesday.  And then B's mom comes in very late that night for a 3 day/4 night visit. Yay!  Real food!!

Tenth night

Today was a major break down.

I hated myself for waiting to figure out my deficiencies until it seems like too late.  The new practice sets are taking so long to get through.  And with work and other obligations, there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.  I have barely over 2 weeks.  And I just don't know what to do to do my best.

I felt so much self-hate, I had to deflect it.  So, the next logical person was B.  I hated him for abandoning me in my time of need.  Here, I had been here all throughout his struggles and his test.  And here I am, having a bitch of a time and he's 4,000 miles away.  How dare he?

I shared this all with him, which actually helped because he was totally understanding, and didn't get upset with me for irrationally being upset with him.  He just offered to help the best he could from that distance: to convince his mom to come over and help me with the ever day stuff so I wouldn't have to - the cooking, shopping, household.  It was really sweet of him, and I was a little convinced at the end that accepting a little help might not be a bad idea, even if I was only in this terrible situation because of my own damn fault.

We'll see.  Nothing has yet to come together.

Then I went to meet a friend tonight (another thing I was angry with myself about: for making plans for the weekend to meet with friends, as if I had time).  It was so nice to be doing something other than staring at a computer screen or thinking about math functions.  Yes, it was taking away time to study.  But this close in the game, is an additional set going to make the difference?  Maybe, but I don't know if it was worth my sanity to find out.  I can do my best - from here until the test.  I have a few plans - including one movie, a doctors appointment, and Thanksgiving -  and a lot of teaching between now and then.  I can do my very best, that I know how, in that time before the test.  But I can't ask more than that of myself, because I wouldn't from anybody else.

Ninth night

I binged and bought a couple of kindle books that hopefully might help with my insufficient math score.  One is actually called "The 5lb Book"of practice problems.  So far I've done the arithmetic and algebra sections.  I still make really stupid mistakes: forgetting about the negatives or just not reading the question correctly.  Then I think: "If I make those mistakes now, without the time crunch,..." then what...?  Then I feel pretty doomed now.  Sure, it's good that I see that, but it's not like I've been doing it less because I'm aware of my deficiencies.  There just seem to be some hard habits to break.

I feel time slipping away.  Of course the hours at work are not any less this month.  I really knew this ahead of time: that November would be busy.  Which is originally why I wanted to have this done before now.  Which, being that I've had the book a year now, I could have easily.  Another reason I'm kicking myself.

But that's nothing I can change now.  And now I'm just trying to do my best with the little time I have left.  But being that I don't think I used my time as efficiently as I could have before, it's hard to have the confidence in myself now, that I'm doing the best thing and preparing in the best possible way.  It's hard to know any of that when I haven't even had my head in that game for years now.

And tomorrow's another day.

Eighth night

I took a practice test today.  I did well on the verbal, felt ok on the essays and totally sucked on the math.  I now know the problem is that a majority of the questions I've been practicing with are not of the same difficulty I get in the adaptive test.  And now I'm having problems finding resources to practice it.  Time is running out, and I can't afford to only score in the 65 percentile.  That's not going to fly.

Ugh.  If only I hadn't waited so long to really get into the studying.

I'm too tired to continue tonight.

Seventh night

I did two more essays today.  Maybe they were just better prompts for me, but I really felt like I did much better than yesterday, and was even able to work within the time limit.

I did have some setbacks when I did the practice verbal and quantitative practice sets, either not improving, or doing worse.  Hopefully doing them closer to the test now, I'll be better off.

Tomorrow I have a skype date to talk to my friend more about my personal statement and the schools I'm applying to.  I know I still need a lot of clarity.

And of course, I'm being observed in my kids class at work next week.  Perfect timing. Not.

My attention span ran a bit shorter today.  And I'm tired of sitting in this chair.  Ugh.  Going to bed "early tonight" (= before 1am).

Sixth night

It's a little after midnight, and I completed many of my goals for today.  I got two verbal sets done (although one I received a terrible score on).  I wrote 2 essays, one of each kind.  Although 3/4 through the 1st one I more or less gave up because I was waaaay past the time limit and getting nowhere-fast.  My second essay was complete trash too.  I found where on the website it actually lists the two lists of 200 prompts that they choose from.  I can practice my essays with them, but then I won't see any "good" examples.  I'm still looking to read a lot of those because I think it will help, but I haven't found a wealth of them yet.  I think getting ideas of good answers will actually help me more than even writing them, because I think I'm actually having a hard time envisioning the answers that they're looking for with some of the prompts.  Like the one I did tonight: I ended up writing an essay that was a complete 180 from their example.  Although yes, it's just an example and there are going to be an infinite number of possibilities, I don't think mine was even in the realm of them.  I knew it was crap as I was writing it.  I can't write a personal blog in less than 30 minutes - how the fuck am I supposed to write a 5 paragraph essay?  Furthermore, as I'm reading so much of the advice for these essays, it's evident how much these things are just formulaic and full of shit (one site even suggested that it was good to memorize several quotes that could be broadly applied, because quotes are always good. duh).  This approach might lead me to be more positive about it - if only I thought I could get the formula down in 20 days,  I'm feeling so doubtful right now.  And hateful of the whole system. 

Fifth night

Alright... I bit the bullet.  I signed up for the test.  Or I stood over the toilet and threw $185 into it.  Same difference, right?

November 25 is the big day.  It's also the day B. comes back.  My goal was to have it done by the time he got back, and gosh darn it, I will accomplish at least one of my goals sooner or later.

I also wrote one essay and (poorly) outlined another one.  And I wrote 3 quantitative practice sets.  And started an outline of a personal statement.

And I even taught a class today and talked to B. for over an hour.  Yes, there were times it definitely could have been more productive.  But all in all, it was OK.

The next 2-3 months are going to be a full-out sprint.  After the stroll that the last few have been, I predict that by mid-January, I'll be gasping for air.

Fourth night

Well, I didn't get as much done today as I hoped.  But it wasn't totally unproductive.  I did read some math review.  I also got my lesson plans nearly finished for tomorrow.  I also managed to talk to B twice on Skype for a decent amount of time (which, I know was unproductive and I should have just told him to have fun and then I could work, but then I know there are other days in the next few weeks where I might not hear from him at all, so I should take advantage of it while I can, right?)

I also made yummy soup and got to the gym.  I can already feel the sore and stiff muscles creeping in.

I go from missing him intensely to then being intensely jealous of the experience he's having and the fact that he's having it without me.  It almost seems surreal, in a way.  I can't explain why.  Maybe because they've been planning this for so long, and now I'm actually going through it.

I say that like it's some epic journey.  In a way it is.  It's the first time I'm here, by myself.  And I think (as I think I said before) it's also my first time living in a place alone.  The responsibility is a little daunting.  I'm so afraid of leaving something on or locking myself out that I'm practically OCD about it, checking so many times behind me, going back to look again.  I like having the second set of eyes.  The person to call if you need something.

I think I forget too about the division of labor around here, and I've become so much more grateful for all the things we help each other out with - the bed, the cooking, the dishes.  Because not only is there a lot more to do when you're doing it alone, but it's a lot less fun.

But I guess it also has it's perks.  I have yet to discover them, aside from maybe being able to leave a couple dishes in the sink overnight.  But they're the kind of perks (so far) that hardly matter to me.

Tomorrow is hopefully a productive day.  Maybe I'll get around to writing one of those practice essays and maybe even sign up for the freakin' test.

Third night

Heading home from the party now. It was good I went. It was super chill - just my type of party. But distracting enough to take my mind off things until I had heard from B.

I left a little early (though I was not the first) because my head and eyes were tired from today.  So I want to get some good rest and hopefully get a lot done tomorrow and make some progress on every frontline.

What I wouldn't do for amazing friends that talk me through my craziest moments.  If it weren't for them, I might have just assumed the fetal position for the foreseeable future.

Second night

I think I finally recovered from my awkward moment, although I still cringe and cower if I think about it for too long.

B is leaving the continent tomorrow.  So as "hard" as the last 36 hours have been, they've been bearable because he's still just a phone call away.   But for the next 23 days, we might not even have contact every day.    It's quite a weird thought.  And not one I like very much.  This place already feels so quiet and lonely.  I don't think I've actually spent this much time alone before - without him, or parents, or roommates, or dorm mates.  I should be relishing it.  But I don't.  I don't like it one bit.

So tomorrow, I get up, I go to the gym.  I might study.  I might bake.  And then I have a party to go to.  I'm looking forward to it because it'll be something to do and something to get me off my computer and out of my quiet apartment.  Because I'm in such a mood that I think I'd actually be more satisfied to stay at home and refresh Flight Aware all evening.  So yeah, I need to go to the party, just so I don't do that.