Tenth night

Today was a major break down.

I hated myself for waiting to figure out my deficiencies until it seems like too late.  The new practice sets are taking so long to get through.  And with work and other obligations, there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.  I have barely over 2 weeks.  And I just don't know what to do to do my best.

I felt so much self-hate, I had to deflect it.  So, the next logical person was B.  I hated him for abandoning me in my time of need.  Here, I had been here all throughout his struggles and his test.  And here I am, having a bitch of a time and he's 4,000 miles away.  How dare he?

I shared this all with him, which actually helped because he was totally understanding, and didn't get upset with me for irrationally being upset with him.  He just offered to help the best he could from that distance: to convince his mom to come over and help me with the ever day stuff so I wouldn't have to - the cooking, shopping, household.  It was really sweet of him, and I was a little convinced at the end that accepting a little help might not be a bad idea, even if I was only in this terrible situation because of my own damn fault.

We'll see.  Nothing has yet to come together.

Then I went to meet a friend tonight (another thing I was angry with myself about: for making plans for the weekend to meet with friends, as if I had time).  It was so nice to be doing something other than staring at a computer screen or thinking about math functions.  Yes, it was taking away time to study.  But this close in the game, is an additional set going to make the difference?  Maybe, but I don't know if it was worth my sanity to find out.  I can do my best - from here until the test.  I have a few plans - including one movie, a doctors appointment, and Thanksgiving -  and a lot of teaching between now and then.  I can do my very best, that I know how, in that time before the test.  But I can't ask more than that of myself, because I wouldn't from anybody else.