The hardest part about any task is getting started. At least for me. And it doesn't seem to matter what I've set out to do; Going for a run, researching schools, preparing for a class, studying for the GRE are all equally daunting and difficult to get the ball rolling. I found that I made the most progress in my German studies when I was using it as a procrastinating tool. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped studying German so much and made little progress in anything.
I am a perfect example of the human condition in... this incapable of starting a task thing, whatever it is. I'm sure scientist have a name for it, and maybe it is just another form of procrastination. The reason why I'm a perfect example? Because I know how good it feels after I finish a run. I know I'm a better teacher when I prepare for my classes. I know that studying for the GRE will result in better scores. And I know that researching for grad schools makes me at least feel like I'm seeking out a better future (even if on some days it seems counterproductive). But you see, despite knowing all these things and knowing the good results of these actions, I fail to do them. I fail to motivate myself to even start on them (much less finish). And then in the end, I'm failing myself.
And sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing in the mean time. I mean, I must be seriously wasting my time with other things. It's like having a black out, because all this time has passed and I have virtually nothing to show for it. What have I been doing?
I realize this is a dangerous game to play, because I can take it back as far as my mind will take me. This week? This month? This year? Since college? Since high school? It leads quickly to regrets, of which I thought I never had.
That's the conundrum. I don't exactly love where I am, career wise. But I love where I am otherwise: where I'm living, who I'm with. And I couldn't have that now without the job that I have. And I wouldn't be here if I hadn't done the things before, and made the choices I did. Everything has led me to where I am now, so regretting any choice I made I feel is tantamount to saying I regret everything about where I am now. And that's certainly not true.
Regardless, I have difficulties looking forward, and not focusing on the decisions I made or didn't make. I keep ruminating over the woulda-shoulda-coulda-ifIonlyhadas. I realize this makes my life bleak, as it feels. Like with my other tasks, I know I would do better in every aspect of my life if I focused on the good and on the future and on the choices ahead. But just like my other tasks, the hardest part is getting started.
You capture the sentiment perfectly. This is how I feel about my weight and healthy eating and portion control. Ugh.
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